Tuesday, June 22, 2010

reckless abandon

I want to thank all of you for the comments on the post about the puppies. We are still waiting on the final word, which I am sure will be a no with the way our luck goes. After that, we are going to talk it over and see what the next step is. Obviously, we have no plans on staying with this agency. A lot of you suggested other agencies, and a few people have e-mailed me privately about puppies needing good homes. There are still plenty of options. Getting that e-mail kicked us while we were down. It was Father's Day. This is our first cycle after our last failed IUI. And yes, the doggy foster mom is well aware of our inability to have children. It's something I discussed with her at the very beginning.

The last few days have been a huge breaking (or turning?) point for us. Kelly had a great post the other day about playing by the rules and how it seems to get people nowhere--especially in the case of infertility. We all work so hard to achieve something and we either don't reach the goal or we do and then it's taken from us. I could relate so much to this post, because it's something Joey and I have talked about a lot lately. We've spent our lives and our relationship trying to do things responsibly. Some days, it feels like we have very little to show for it. We focus too much on doing the right thing instead of doing what makes us happy. We've followed the straight and narrow for so long, we don't know what it feels like to stray a little bit and do something impulsive.

Slowly, we are learning to let go of this focus. It's a work in progress and some days are better than others, but this break is teaching us to live again. We need to quit talking and dreaming about things. Instead, we need to do those things. I think this is what I am starting to love about the time off. No one is telling me I need to be at Dr. so-and-so's office at 7 a.m. No one is telling me "take this, don't do this, don't do that, but do this." At the acupuncturist on Saturday and at my doctor yesterday, it took me at least a minute to figure out what cycle day I was on (and even then I could only come up with an estimate). What began as a forced break now feels liberating. For the first time in two years, I feel free. This break doesn't mean we don't care. It doesn't mean we don't still hurt and deeply desire a child. It doesn't mean we are giving up.

This break is simply giving us a chance to take back control over our lives. Infertility is no longer at the wheel of this crazy car ride, and we are no longer taking the expressway. We're taking the scenic route and trying to enjoy the beauty of life before we reach our destination.

31 comments:

AplusB said...

I'm glad this break is so restful for your mind and body. "Infertility is no longer at the wheel of this crazy car ride, and we are no longer taking the expressway. We're taking the scenic route and trying to enjoy the beauty of life before we reach our destination." - maybe one of my favorite quotes yet.
Keep us posted on the pups.

Pre-Heated Oven said...

GOOD FOR YOU!
I'm glad the break has gone decently well for you.
HUGS

Crossed Fingers said...

Good for you! I've been keeping my fingers crossed your perfect puppy or puppies come your way.

Gurlee said...

As someone who has had three forced breaks in the last year and a half (or so), I find them to be bitter-sweet. I can totally relate to the liberating feeling of not knowing what CD you are on and not worrying about making sure to have "timed intercourse". I found at times that life was passing me by b/c I was obsessing about TTC. The cliche is true, life is short!! I hope you enjoy your time off and go back to TTC in a better place.
And of course, I am sorry about your BFN. And the dogs, what a biatch. We got my last pup through petfinder.com, check it out :)

Kim said...

The break is so liberating- I don't think we realize how much IF truly rule our lives until we step away or take a break. i am glad your enjoying it- you truly deserve it. xoxoxoxox

Ashley said...

DH just said to me yesterday, "This year is half over already" and it took a minute for that to set in. What have I done this year??? I've been infertile. That's all. And I have stuck a whole crapload of needles in myself. Time to enjoy summer and maybe just smile a little when you think about those who can't decide at the last minute that they are going to the lake/ocean/pool and then actually do it, because they don't have a babysitter. Hey--we need SOMETHING to get us through the day. :)
Hope you have a great break.

Tillie said...

awe - a break is what I have to do...always. I am so sorry about the puppy/puppies. I hope you will find the perfect ones. Want mine?? :) haha I kid.

I hope things turn around for you soon. *hugs*

foxy said...

We are also on a break, of sorts, and it has been a great chance for me to regroup and fortify my reserves so that when we do move forward, I will be as strong and resilient as possible.

Ashley's comment, "What have I done this year??? I've been infertile. That's all.", really hit home with me. This journey is so consuming and can so quickly take over your life.

I love your blog Katie.

AL said...

I have to agree that the breaks from assisted reproduction are very liberating. It feels like after you've been moving at warp speed, you suddenly slow to a normal pace and can enjoy the simple things again.

I hope you and Joey continue to enjoy these months off together. Hoping you guys get a little pup very soon :-).

foxinthehenhouse said...

Good for you! I'm so glad it's liberating! I may have to take a break in a few months and I'm not looking forward to it. But maybe it will be OK. Thanks!

Holly said...

I can definitely understand the frustration and liberation that can come from a forced break and I am very glad that yours has become a source of rejuvenation. *hugs*

The Domestic Princess said...

I can imagine how liberating that must feel. Isn't it sad how at any point and time we name off our cycle day without thought? I'm so glad you guys are enjoying this break. I know Chris and I are trying to enjoy our 'break' too. Keep us update =)

Jessica said...

I'm glad your are finding the positives in taking a break from TTC.

GL w/ finding a puppy!!

determineddory said...

Breaks are necessary!! Maybe a little vacation in your future, before you get wrapped up in puppy training?

Erin said...

I'm so glad that this break is so liberating for you! We all get so wrapped up in TTC/IF land that we often forget about the rest of our lives.

Crossing my fingers that you and Joey have some pups to love soon!

Browniris said...

I am glad that you are able to enjoy your break! We are kind of taking one as well (we started pursuing adoption), and it is definitely refreshing not to worry about temping and POAS all the time.

ICLW

Arlyne said...

I'm so incredibly happy to hear you say that! It's exactly how I felt when we took a long break. I know you guys will be the best parents ever, to a puppy, & to a baby! Tons of love & hugs to you guys!!!

xoxoxoxo

Kandid Kelli said...

Im so glad to hear that your feeling better about the break.

I hope you get a puppy (or puppies) soon. Any puppy would be blessed to be in your care!

xo
-K

Katie said...

Yay! I'm so glad to hear that this break is getting better!!

suchagoodegg said...

You sound really calm and chill and good, Katie. Way to keep your chin up during the break. xo

JC said...

I'm glad you're enjoying your break! I have to agree, I am really happy we're on a break too and you know what our plans are. It feels good to have a somewhat "normal" life and enjoy what we used to enjoy. Anyhow, I hope you guys continue to have fun! And hope you get some pups soon!

Waiting Lisa said...

I am so glad you guys are embracing the break.

And the really cool thing? Your friends/blog readers are so awesome that none of them have suggested that now that you are on a break from focusing on "trying" that you will get pregnant. ;)

Your word verification word is delhot. haha

Waiting Lisa said...

I'm sorry, I can't resist. Your next word verification word is icatifug.

Emmy said...

I'm glad that the break is doing you well. I hope that the puppies work out. Good luck!

Kelly said...

I'm glad you're enjoying the scenic route. :) It sounds like it's just what you two need.

Kakunaa said...

If our IVF doesn't work next month, we'll be on forced break. I hope I feel that liberation when the time comes....

Marla Z said...

I second your thoughts! When I was still actively TTC, I used to read about people who got pregnant after they stopped trying. And I would think to myself, yeah, right! How do you just stop trying after 2 + years. I mean, you just know when you're ovulating, right ??? Well, I found out once I stopped how easy it was to forget those tell-tale signs. It is liberating to not be cycle-obsessed! Who knew! Lol!

This past cycle, I had to ask my hubby if he knew when AF was due in town. He didn't. And then I had to consult the calendar, which didn't help much either. Finally, I checked my blog to see if I had written about it, and lo and behold, I have a date to not look forward to... ;)

PS That really sucks about the puppies! Boo!

A said...

I also feel this way right now- like the end goal is still to expand our family, but we are taking the scenic route right now. It definitely has been a nice drive since we got off the highway ;-)

T said...

Good for you! I admire your courage!

Kaitlin said...

I know what you mean. Hubs and I try to do everything right, play by the books. But the something awful happens. Our house gets broken into. Hubs gets laid off. It's just not fair.

Conceptionally Challenged said...

Your attitude sounds great. I hope the break treats you well.