I want to thank all of you for the comments on the post about the puppies. We are still waiting on the final word, which I am sure will be a no with the way our luck goes. After that, we are going to talk it over and see what the next step is. Obviously, we have no plans on staying with this agency. A lot of you suggested other agencies, and a few people have e-mailed me privately about puppies needing good homes. There are still plenty of options. Getting that e-mail kicked us while we were down. It was Father's Day. This is our first cycle after our last failed IUI. And yes, the doggy foster mom is well aware of our inability to have children. It's something I discussed with her at the very beginning.
The last few days have been a huge breaking (or turning?) point for us. Kelly had a great post the other day about playing by the rules and how it seems to get people nowhere--especially in the case of infertility. We all work so hard to achieve something and we either don't reach the goal or we do and then it's taken from us. I could relate so much to this post, because it's something Joey and I have talked about a lot lately. We've spent our lives and our relationship trying to do things responsibly. Some days, it feels like we have very little to show for it. We focus too much on doing the right thing instead of doing what makes us happy. We've followed the straight and narrow for so long, we don't know what it feels like to stray a little bit and do something impulsive.
Slowly, we are learning to let go of this focus. It's a work in progress and some days are better than others, but this break is teaching us to live again. We need to quit talking and dreaming about things. Instead, we need to do those things. I think this is what I am starting to love about the time off. No one is telling me I need to be at Dr. so-and-so's office at 7 a.m. No one is telling me "take this, don't do this, don't do that, but do this." At the acupuncturist on Saturday and at my doctor yesterday, it took me at least a minute to figure out what cycle day I was on (and even then I could only come up with an estimate). What began as a forced break now feels liberating. For the first time in two years, I feel free. This break doesn't mean we don't care. It doesn't mean we don't still hurt and deeply desire a child. It doesn't mean we are giving up.
This break is simply giving us a chance to take back control over our lives. Infertility is no longer at the wheel of this crazy car ride, and we are no longer taking the expressway. We're taking the scenic route and trying to enjoy the beauty of life before we reach our destination.