AF arrived this morning--four days late. She brought along severe nausea, an upset stomach, and some intense cramping, all of which I haven't seen since prior to my laparoscopy. Crazy Katie would be concerned about the possibility of the endo returning and fretting about another surgery. Calm Katie isn't thinking about this right now. I'll cross that bridge when we meet with the new clinic about IVF. For now, I'm hoping this sickness is only temporary for cycle day 1 and doesn't return next time around.
The bitch's arrival marks the beginning of cycle #27: 27 months of trying to have a baby. 27 months of my body still not doing what it's supposed to do. Some days I wake up and I think, "Wow, it feels like we started trying just yesterday. The last two years have really flown by." Then there are times when I sit and stare off into space, wondering if time really does move slower when you are infertile. You want something so badly and you wait so long for it that, occasionally, it seems like clock just stops. In a lot of ways, it's the same feeling you get at work on a Friday afternoon--watching the clock work it's way toward five with the rest of the week behind you, but knowing that you still have to come back on Monday and do everything over again. The only difference is the break in between doesn't make your eggs grow older or your sperm get slower.
I'm beginning to have reserved excitement about IVF, which confuses the hell out of my husband. He can't possibly understand why I would be excited about IVF. Clearly, when I use the word excitement, I don't mean it in the way you get excited about taking a vacation you've always dreamed about or buying a new house. I mean that I feel hope from this opportunity. Nothing else worked, and deep down inside I never thought it would. With IVF, I sense the possibility and I am starting to feel a little more confident. This is something reading Unsung Lullabies taught me: we need to feel this way before going into a new stage of treatment. We need to feel not like this is a necessary step or something we are doing because this is all that's left, but like it's something we CHOOSE to do and something we believe in. It's all part of acceptance.
The reason why I say reserved excitement is because part of me still holds out that last bit of hope that, while we are busy getting our finances in order for IVF, taking care of our new puppy, focusing on each other, going back to school, and bettering our bodies through exercise and acupuncture, we somehow become pregnant naturally. It's crazy to believe that feeling is still there after all of this time and all of the months of failure. Honestly, I didn't think I had any left in me.
But I'm happy I do.