Wednesday, June 30, 2010

back on track

AF arrived this morning--four days late. She brought along severe nausea, an upset stomach, and some intense cramping, all of which I haven't seen since prior to my laparoscopy. Crazy Katie would be concerned about the possibility of the endo returning and fretting about another surgery. Calm Katie isn't thinking about this right now. I'll cross that bridge when we meet with the new clinic about IVF. For now, I'm hoping this sickness is only temporary for cycle day 1 and doesn't return next time around.

The bitch's arrival marks the beginning of cycle #27: 27 months of trying to have a baby. 27 months of my body still not doing what it's supposed to do. Some days I wake up and I think, "Wow, it feels like we started trying just yesterday. The last two years have really flown by." Then there are times when I sit and stare off into space, wondering if time really does move slower when you are infertile. You want something so badly and you wait so long for it that, occasionally, it seems like clock just stops. In a lot of ways, it's the same feeling you get at work on a Friday afternoon--watching the clock work it's way toward five with the rest of the week behind you, but knowing that you still have to come back on Monday and do everything over again. The only difference is the break in between doesn't make your eggs grow older or your sperm get slower.

I'm beginning to have reserved excitement about IVF, which confuses the hell out of my husband. He can't possibly understand why I would be excited about IVF. Clearly, when I use the word excitement, I don't mean it in the way you get excited about taking a vacation you've always dreamed about or buying a new house. I mean that I feel hope from this opportunity. Nothing else worked, and deep down inside I never thought it would. With IVF, I sense the possibility and I am starting to feel a little more confident. This is something reading Unsung Lullabies taught me: we need to feel this way before going into a new stage of treatment. We need to feel not like this is a necessary step or something we are doing because this is all that's left, but like it's something we CHOOSE to do and something we believe in. It's all part of acceptance.

The reason why I say reserved excitement is because part of me still holds out that last bit of hope that, while we are busy getting our finances in order for IVF, taking care of our new puppy, focusing on each other, going back to school, and bettering our bodies through exercise and acupuncture, we somehow become pregnant naturally. It's crazy to believe that feeling is still there after all of this time and all of the months of failure. Honestly, I didn't think I had any left in me.

But I'm happy I do.

29 comments:

ifcrossroads said...

I can understand your excitement about IVF. I had it too, when we finally made the decision to move forward I was ready to GO. I wanted to start the process and become entrenched.

I'll have to email you and find out where you decided to go for your IVF consult.

I'm sorry that bitch has arrived. If the endo has returned (which is possible after stimming, sorry to say. I'm proof positive of that one) it won't matter when you do IVF.

jensays said...

I was very excited to start the IVF process. And then I got scared and decided not to do it. I didn't even want to do another IUI but ended up doing one. Now I have reached the angry phase, I have physically started the whole IVF thing and i'm pissed. not a good way to go into this, i know. I hope that if you do have to move on that you can be smarter than me and not move into the angry phase.
(whatwouldjendo)

Basic Girl said...

I was totally excited about IVF, just like you said...not excited like whoohoo I'm going to Hawaii. But excited to move on to something with decent odds of actually working. It gave me a new hope that I definitely needed during that process. And I of course hope somewhere between all the great stuff you've got going on you just get knocked up the old fashioned way!!! I mean how frickin nice would that be, I'm sure its happened before!!

kayee said...

I know exactly what you mean. I'm excited to start IVF too - not the IVF process... the needles, bloating meds, constant monitoring, ER and ET - but the hope it brings. There is something about using the "big guns" to make you think .. "wow, this could actually happen!" Good luck!

Ashley said...

It's good to be excited about IVF. If you are going to have to do it, you might as well have good feelings about it. Hopefully it's successful and you can somewhat put all of the ugly infertile junk behind you. Good luck and hope you get to feeling better soon.

serenity said...

There's a line in one of my favorite movies, The Shawshank Redemption, that is perfect for infertility. "Prison time is slow time." To me, it felt like the waiting was forever. When we finally brought home our son from our last-ditch IVF cycle, it was like time snapped back to "normal time." Which, for me, is REALLY fast, and I'm still getting used to it.

For me personally, I had to get excited about the possibility of the next cycle. It gave me the hope I needed to sustain me through all of the Suck. Even at the end, when it was shreds of hope, all tattered... it was enough.

Hoping that it's successful and you can move on.

suchagoodegg said...

Holy moly, your period was 4 days late? How did you not go broke on HPTs?!?!

There is always an undercurrent of hope and positivity in your posts that is incredibly refreshing and soothing to me. I think it's awesome you're feeling good about IVF.

Crossed Fingers said...

It's not totally crazy. We have a friend of a friend who tried to get pregnant for five years. Naturally, IUI, IVF - nothing worked and their finances were drained.

She found out that she was in that 2% chance of getting pregnant naturally in Feb. She's due in October and we're all over the moon for her.

It might not happen but it CAN happen. I'm glad you're excited about IVF and the attitude you're exuding towards it is wonderful. A want not a need. A choice.

I wish you nothing but the best of luck in this travel for you and DH.

P.S I would love to see more pics of your cutie pie furbaby too - she's just too cute. :)

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I think it's wonderful you are thinking positively about IVF. You absolutely should, your odds will be going up significantly. Don't look at my case as an example, but it works in sooo many cases! It's hard not to get a little bit of confidence. And if nothing else, they will learn a LOT more about what is at work in there. Hope is the only thing that gets us through such times. I hope that this is the answer for you, if you don't get pregnant this summer of course. :)

Jessica said...

I never thought we would have to do IVF, but once we made the decision to do it..I was excited. My sense of hope was renewed!!

erika said...

I am happy for you, too! we need good spirits to keep us going on this bumpy road. I think it's a great sign to have such positive thoughts. Praying and hoping for a natural miracle in the waiting for you, guys!

AL said...

Hope is great!! I'm glad you still have a little bit left - it's hard after so long on this rollercoaster ride and you're getting excited about IVF (though of course I hope you won't need it after all :-) )

Hayley said...

I sent the bitch to you to get her away from me. Sorry! :)

I'm glad you're excited about IVF. I'm still holding out hope that Joey knocks you up the natural way, though.

Just Me...C said...

Glad AF finally showed. Now she can go crash her broom at somebody else's door (preferably someone fertile)! I think I would have reserved excitement too with regard to IVF. Afterall, it really does increase your chances significantly so keep the optimisim free flowing.

Kelly said...

I'm glad that AF finally showed. I had wondered what was going on with her but didn't want to ask.

It's great that you have other things to focus on now until you get to the point of IVF. It also makes perfect sense to hold out hope that things will happen on their own before then.

Katie said...

Sorry to hear you're feeling so crummy today but YAY for your excitement and hope!! :-)

Dawn said...

I hope endo hasn't returned and takes it easy on you for the rest of her visit.

It's so easy to become defeated by all of this and it's nice when you realize you still have some hope left.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you get that BFP while waiting for IVF!

Sara said...

I understand why you have "reserved" excitement. Never lose that hope...some days it is all that keeps us going. Best wishes on your IVF appointments. Although periods aren't fun, they give us a fresh start. Hoping that new dog of yours is giving you many comforting kisses!

Holly said...

I can completely relate to the reserved excitement. I felt so many of the same things before beginning IVF, and even though we didn't get our miracle conception naturally, it has still been so nice just to CHOOSE like the book says. I feel more relaxed with this approach than I ever thought I would.

Kandid Kelli said...

I hope w.every ounce in my body you do become pregnant naturally!

I love you Katie, I am glad to see you back to writing.

xo
-K

christine said...

Yes! I am excited about IVF too! Almost in a vacation kind of way, but better because it's the "there might be a baby at the end of this road" kind of trip.

And, I totally can relate to feeling like we just started yesterday and then feeling like it's been about 20 years (it's *only* been 18 months).

Mrs.Wood2126 said...

I am so excited for you!! Not only because you are starting IVF but that you are still hopeful!!! That is the one the one thing that I pray for all of us, Is to NEVER give up hope. May god grant you peace in all your decisions!

someday-soon said...

I can totally understand the excitement about IVF. But I'm holding out hope you won't have to go there and a BFP sneaks up on you before that =) If not, the chances of success are so high with IVF it warrants excitement too!

S.I.F. said...

Crazier things have happened lady! I actually think your story deserves and unplanned natural pregnancy - that would be just amazing!

But in the meantime - It's totally normal to get excited about IVF! I about pee myself with excitement every day now! :)

Secret Sloper said...

I'm happy you do, too. I'm happy this is a hopeful new path for you and not a last-ditch resort, because this isn't just another treatment or more of the same. This is something different with great success rates, and there's no reason it can't work for you too!

Erin said...

Isn't it crazy to say 27 cycles? I think that's what people who aren't infertile don't understand. They tried once, or twice, maybe six times. The rest of us? We tried well into the double digits and then some.

I totally get being excited about doing IVF. Even though we ended up not having to do it, I remember feeling so excited to get started. It's such a hopeful time in a lot of ways.

Stefanie Blakely said...

Your hope is a beautiful thing!! I can completely understand being excited about IVF-- it's not excitement about the money or the injections or the process-- it's about restoring hope that this will work. (But I'm with you-- let's see a break cycle, miracle BFP!!!)

2catdaughters said...

I'm so happy that you're feeling excited and hopeful. You should be. You've been dealt a crappy hand yet you always handle everything with such grace. Good things are bound to come your way soon.

I agree with the other posters--your story deserves a miracle, natural BFP while you get prepared for IVF. I'm hopeful that it'll happen!!

Trisha said...

I know exactly how you feel; we're almost at the 4 year mark. I think it's important when to take that step towards IVF that you believe it's going to work. If you don't think it will then why do it. I had to keep reminding myself that as we went through it.