Monday, May 10, 2010

it's not good-bye

Last week, I wrote about feeling in between--feeling in between not being pregnant and not being pregnant. But I also feel in between in other ways. I feel somewhat lost in infertility. What do I mean by this? Well, I'm not just starting out. I'm not temping, or using OPKs, or heading out to my first visit with the OB about trying to get pregnant. But I'm also not on the other end of the spectrum. I have never experienced pregnancy and I haven't done IVF.

Where does this leave me?

Lately, it leaves me feeling lonely. I think this feeling of loneliness is a good reason for me to take a break: from my blog and from Twitter. I don't know how long this break will last. A few days? A week? There's really no way for me to know. It will last until at least after my IUI. Right now, what I do know is that I need to step back. I can't relate to still having hope every cycle. I can't relate to loss. I can't relate to getting a BFP. I can't relate to the ins and outs of an IVF cycle. So commenting on these things feels awkward for me. I never know if I am saying the right things. I'm trying. I really am, but at times it feels overwhelming. I want to heal everyone and I can't. That's impossible. And my words just don't feel like enough right now.

So, that's that. My hiatus begins today.

50 comments:

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I am sorry to hear you feel you need a hiatus. But, I can understand not feeling like you belong, even within the Infertility community. I feel that way often too, but for different reasons.

I just wanted to let you know your comments have always been appreciated on my blog. And that I hope you feel better soon.

Kandid Kelli said...

You will be missed.

xo
-K

Tillie said...

I'm sorry you are taking off...I'll miss you on twitter and your blog...I hope that your time off can help you in this crazy journey. I'll miss you too. -t

Al said...

I definitely understand what you mean, Katie. Take all the time you need and we'll be here whenever you're ready to come back.

Feel free to contact me if you want to talk. hugs.

Doogie said...

It's a shame that you feel lonely, although this really is a lonely process.

I just got another negative from my IUI cycle. (Today.) And my response was to close email, turn off chats, (and I've only left twitter open because most of what people are saying isn't to me, so it feels easier).

I knew it didn't work before the weekend began, but I had to wait the entire weekend to do my blood test this morning. Knowing what it was going show, going through all the pretenses of being "happy!" on mother's day, knowing it wasn't going to be for me. Listening to my sister-in-law gush about children and being a mother and how wonderful it is, and every conversation they had in my presence was friend's twin girls, pregnant woman out to here...etc. About everyone but me. Because it's never me.

There's nothing wrong. I take the drugs and shots and everything like I'm supposed to, but it never works. So where does that leave me? Alone. And miserable. Feeling cut off from everyone. Wishing I were more cut off. That I never had to answer another phone, never had to talk to another well meaning person who wasn't suffering. Anyway, Good luck. That's all I really wanted to say. FWIW, your blogging has made me feel less alone.

suchagoodegg said...

I totally get how you feel. 110%. I'll miss you, but am really hopeful that taking a break will make you feel better. Know that I'll be thinking of you!

TheIVF Companion said...

I completely understand and applaud your decision. When I was cycling (and IMO there is not much emotional difference between iui and ivf, they are just as much an undertaking when you are in them) I often fell off the blogs and boards when things got challenging because I needed all my strength to focus on getting myself through. You are a strong person and one who knows herself well to realize you need this break, however long it is.

The best thing is that if and when you are ready to re-join a group setting you will be welcome no matter what avenue you choose.

Good luck and much love,

Rebecca said...

I'm very sorry to see you go, Katie, but I understand your wanting to take some time away.

We're here when you're ready to come back. You've always been so wonderful throughout this process and I'll miss you. ((Hugs))

Rach said...

I will miss you. Hope you come back soon!

Kelly said...

I understand how you feel, but please know how much you will be missed. I don't think you realize how much you help others but at the same time, I'm glad you're recognizing (and doing) something you need to do for yourself.

Derek and Malinda said...

The best thing for you to do is take care of yourself. You are the most important thing. Remember what they say in airplanes before take-off, "Place your mask first before others." I hope this break brings you peace. I'm also "not new" to this stuff, but I'm definitely ready for it to be over and begin the next chapter of my life. Again, I wish you peace.

Dear Diary said...

I will miss you! I hope this break really helps you. Know that you are on my prayers every night. Please don't lose hope. Big hug!!

Jin said...

I'll miss you! Stay alive on fb every once in a while at least. We'll be here when you come back.

S said...

I sometimes feel kind-of "in between" myself. We have been TTC and have seen one very short-lived BFP (chemical pregnancy), but like you, we have only done IUIs, and we have no intention of moving to IVF.

I hope your hiatus does you some good. Sometimes a break is helpful.

T said...

You will be missed, but I completely understand. I have always enjoyed your posts and how candid you can be. You have always said the right things. Just knowing I have someone out there that cares about me and always there to cheer me on or comfort me....it is more than I can ever put in words.
I love being able to be there for you, too. So seriously anything I can do I am here. Feel free to email me while you are on your hiatus. I will be thinking about you.

JC said...

Hey Katie,
I totally get what you mean and I've been feeling similar feelings. I've kinda taken a step back too. I hope it helps and I wish nothing but great things for you. I'm always here if you want to text me whether you're on a break or not =).

Katie said...

Awww, I'm sorry you are feeling this way. You will be VERY missed, but take as much time as you need. We'll be here when you come back!

love and ((hugs))

braving-ivf said...

Katie,

I completely understand. I hope your time off helps, and we'll be here if you decide to hop back in. *hugs* and best wishes to you.

Hayley said...

Honey, you'll be missed. We will all be here for you when you get back. love you.

Kakunaa said...

You will indeed be missed. I understand the in between. I'm in the same place. Will be waiting for you when you return :) Good luck this cycle.

Dawn said...

We'll miss you. I'll be thinking of you and I hope the break gives you some peace of mind!

Jessica said...

Take all the time you need. At some point we have all taken time away from the IF blogs.

But just for the record your comments always make me smile!!

Crossed Fingers said...

*hugs* I'm sorry to hear you'll be taking a break but I know if that is what YOU need than YOU need to do it for YOU. You have always left such thoughtful comments and you always seem so kind in your posts and comments.

I'm in my own limbo as is everyone dealing with TTC struggles. I'm not a year into it but I def am having issues and have had a loss of some sort. I'm not sure where I fit in either.

But I do know that without you girls I would be a lot more lost!

A said...

I hope your break is refreshing! I always love your comments :) But I know what youre saying about just wanting to heal everyone- that is how I feel! I just want us all to be pregnant!

I will be praying for you while you're away :)

Stefanie Blakely said...

I want you to do whatever makes you feel better... if that's venting here or if that's taking a step back, you know what's best for you.

However, you will be missed!!!

*hugs*

Stephanie said...

Aww, I'll miss you, but I totally get it. And if it helps you in any way your comments and emails mean the world to me and you always knew exactly what to say for me!

Michelle said...

I hope your hiatus brings peace and clarity for you.
We are all here when you decide you are ready to return.

Bean stalk ballads said...

Katie... I totally understand. I get it.

Ashley said...

You should take as much time as you need. You will be missed, but you have to take care of yourself first. I hope you feel better soon. Huge hugs!

PCOSChick said...

You will be missed, but please take all the time you need & know that when the time is right for you to come back, we will all be here for you!

Carrie said...

You have to do what is best for you. Thinking of you!

Secret Sloper said...

I sometimes feel in-between or like I don't quite fit in here, myself. I'll miss following your journey, but I hope that you some back to surprise us all with your healthy BFP soon.

You may not feel like you "understand" or can relate to pregnancy loss, but I have felt supported and understood by you posts, just to let you know.

The Baby Race said...

I totally and completely understand. I often feel like I can't relate and that my comments may not be helpful.

Take time for yourself. We'll miss you, though!

AplusB said...

Totally understand. Take the time you need and we'll be here when you get back.

Pre-Heated Oven said...

{HUGS}

Jen said...

FWIW, I have always thought your comments were insightful, but I totally get what you mean nontheless Do what you need to do!

Amanda and Zach said...

I am sorry to hear that you are taking a break but I totally get it. I just finished reading through your entire blog, beginning until now. You write so many things that I feel, yet never say even in my own blog. Thank you for bringing so much awareness about IF to the world.

N said...

Hang in there.

Suzanna Catherine said...

Take time for yourself. It's so important to put yourself first at least part of the time.

Even though my TTC journey ended many years ago I still remember the physical and emotional pain.

I understand your decision to go silent for a little while. I often wished I could hibernate and not have to talk to anyone!

Hugs to you. I look forward to following your story when you feel ready to share again.

S.I.F. said...

I feel exactly the same way Katie! Like I can't possibly say the right thing to someone who has had disappointment after disappointment, because even though I have to go straight to IVF I have still never experienced a failed cycle; or a lost child; or years of trying. I know exactly what you are saying here, and I have felt it too...

2catdaughters said...

I'll miss your blog posts, Katie, but I understand why you need to do this. ((hugs))

conceptionallychallenged said...

I'm sorry you're feeling alone. Like many commenters, I don't know where I fit in either.
Hope the break helps. Take care.

someday-soon said...

You are always so supportive Katie and you are saying all the right things. I hope your break is a good one and allows you time for yourself and time to heal {{{HUGS}}}

Ernie said...

This is the first time I have come across your blog, but I can totally relate to your feelings. My IF journey was (is?) so different from most others, but I found that I could relate in many ways to others journeys and feelings. So many in this community have a feeling of loneliness, because there are aspects of each journey that no one else can relate to. I hope that your time off is just what you need!

Sara said...

I will miss your posts and am looking forward to when you come back. You have actually inspired me to start my own blog about my infertility. Your blog has made me realize talking about IF can be a healthy thing. So I guess I just wanted to say thank you for inspiring me to not keep everything in anymore.

ifcrossroads said...

Katie - I will miss you but please, take all the time you need. Good luck with this cycle. I will be thinking about you.

Basic Girl said...

You will totally be missed Katie!! I'll be thinking of you, and know we'll all be here when you decided to come back. xoxo

Noelle said...

I am thinking about you, and I hope that you can start feeling hope again. You always say the most wonderful things in your comments. Please know that. You are so appreciated by so many.

Waiting Lisa said...

I get it. I really do.

But...I miss you :(

I know I have said it before, but I will say it again, your comments have always been a bright spot to me. I feel a strong connection to you and I mean it when I say I miss you.

But, I really do get it.

I'll be here when you decide to come back.

*hugs*

erika said...

I hate to see you hurting. I totally relate to what you say about not feeling like you belong. Every each of us is going through a different path, and although we are facing different challenges, our struggle and hurt is equally bad at the end. And we all want the same.
I understand you need time away. But you know we will all miss you very much and we will be here waiting for your return, whenever you are ready for it.
I also want you to know, that you have been one of my strongholds throughout my struggles, and your loving care and support and encouragement were invaluable for me.
Much love your ways and I will be thinking of you.