Wednesday, May 5, 2010

in between

Infertility, and going through failed treatment after failed treatment, has pushed me into living in a different world: the world of in between.

Things in this world are never black and white. Everything in this world is gray.

I am not alive, but I am not dead.
Outside it is light, and inside it is dark.
I am not asleep, but I am not awake.
Outside I am happy, but inside I am sad.
I am not a parent, but I feel like a child.
Outside I am calm, but inside I am terrified.
I am not pregnant, but I am not pregnant.

I am just stuck, somewhere on the fence, waiting for someone to lift me up and pluck me down onto the greener pasture—the place where things are black and white, the place where I am happy (inside and outside), and the place where I am awake and alive.

I am not in hell, but I am not in heaven.

I am in purgatory, awaiting my fate.

21 comments:

Crossed Fingers said...

((hugs)) I have no words - just support.

Kandid Kelli said...

I don't know what its like to feel those emotions for the reasons you do. I am sorry. I am here and always will be to support you in every decision you make & to lift you up & Help bring a ray of sunshine when you most need it (along with the wonderful blanket of support you receive here from the rest of your readers!).

xo
-K

Kelly said...

I feel the same way and it isn't very pleasant.

We all love you. (((HUGS)))

Rach said...

Praying you'll be out of this "inbetween" state soon. It's not a fun place.

2catdaughters said...

I'm stuck in the same spot. I hope you find your way out of "in between" soon. *hugs*

Dawn said...

Thinking of you! Sending you many hugs and prayers!

Britt said...

I don't know how you feel or what it feels like to walk in your shoes, but I do know that I am thinking of you and praying for a "greener pasture" for you! [[[hugs]]]

Kakunaa said...

very well said....beautiful. (((HUGS)))

Dear Diary said...

I always pray for souls in purgatory and I'm praying for you! Big hug!!!

erika said...

Hope the Sunshine & Happiness is just couple weeks away!!! much love your ways.

Basic Girl said...

Thinking and praying that in between ends very very soon. Hugs and love to you Katie!

Glass Case of Emotion said...

This post really hit home for me. It sucks so much to be dragged along and leave our lives in limbo for years. I truly believe unless you are IF, that you cannot really understand the hold it has.... I am so sorry you are stuck in the middle. At least you are not alone! I am there with you too.

Hugs

Pre-Heated Oven said...

:(
Some days, I know exactly what you're feeling.
Sometimes I'm up, sometimes I'm down.
Other times, I'm in this exact same state.
I pray this will end for both of us soon.

Arlyne said...

I think we're all there, & at least it's some comfort to know that you definitely are not there alone!

Lots of love & (((HUGS)))!!!

Jessica said...

AMEN!! You always take the words right out of my mouth.

A said...

this post reminds me of 2 Corinthians 4:8-9... praying that we all know what it's like to move on from IF very soon..

S.I.F. said...

Is it weird to say that this is beautiful? You just captured so much lady, in so few words.... I want you out of this in between stage ASAP.

Amanda and Zach said...

This brought tears to my eyes. You captured how I feel at this exact moment. Thank you for sharing.

Katie said...

I hate that you are in that place. Your words are beautiful, though.

Sending you love and ((hugs))!

Waiting Lisa said...

That was beautiful.

I feel like I have been stuck there for a long time.

*hugs*

DC Running Mama said...

This is exactly what I am feeling: purgatory. I couldn't have said it better myself.