Thursday, May 27, 2010

decision: made

I know I said that we would wait to make a decision on our final IUI until AF showed. Unfortunately, AF has forced that decision a little early. I started spotting this morning (after another BFN). Of course, she would start her arrival on the first morning of our vacation. So the choice has been made.

We will not do our final IUI.

This is a bittersweet moment for both of us. In a way, it's a huge loss. For me, it will mean mourning the loss of having a child without using extreme measures of ART. It will also mean one more shot--only one more chance at having a biological child.

But I also feel a huge sense of relief. It's hard to explain. When I told Joey what I felt and he agreed, a sense of peace washed over me. I cried, of course, but for me this really meant accepting that IUIs just weren't going to work for us. And that's ok.

There's a lot more that I want to say about this, but right now I just don't know if I can put it into words. (Plus, I'm just too impatient to type anything else on my iPhone.) Thank you all so much for the love and support.

More when I return . . .

35 comments:

Heidi said...

I am so sorry that the decision came sooner than you hoped. But to feel that sense of peace is wonderful!

So you will do IVF this fall correct?

Elizabeth said...

I'm glad that you have found peace no matter how horrible of a road it takes to go down to get it. You're always in my thoughts

I hope you have a wonderful trip!

Arlyne said...

I'm here for you!!!

Taking time off can be extremely therapeutic. I hope you & Joey take some time to enjoy each other!

xo

Priya said...

Hi Katie! I just realized you had a blog! And I'm so glad that you do because I know sometimes it's hard to keep in touch...this way I'll know what's going on with you guys.

I've only been able to read your last few post but I just wanted to say that I really admire you for being such a trooper. Something great is gonna come out of all of this...even if it's not what you originally thought you wanted.

I always think about you guys. I hope we can meet up soon but for now I'll just catch up with you this way :)

Dawn said...

I'm sorry that your decision was made sooner than you had expected, but happy to hear that you are feeling a sense of peace.

Enjoy your vacation! I hope that you have a wonderful time together.

jensays said...

even tho you had to make that decision a lot sooner than you thought, i'm glad you sound peaceful with the decision that you did end up making.

Jessica said...

I'm sorry you even had to make that decision. I remember struggling when we decided to stop doing IUI's and move to IVF. It is a huge deal.

I hope you enjoy your trip...you deserve it.

Rach said...

So bummed AF decided to show right before vacation. That's frustrating. Glad you made a decision. Welcome to the IVF world. Super exciting and terrifying all at once. We are like you, one shot is all we can afford. Have a great weeekend!

Littlest True Blue said...

Have a great holiday and I'm glad you are at peace. Enjoy your hubby and your break. Looking forward to hearing from you when you are back.
LTB

someday-soon said...

I can relate to the sense of sadness and elation that comes with making the decision to stop IUI and move on to IVF. Hopefully you'll be one of those natural BFP stories just before IVF though =) Hope you have a good vacation and AF isn't too hard on you!

Britt said...

I am glad you are feeling peace and my heart is heavey for you! I hope you have fun on your vacation and that it rejuvinates you for both for the next step!

Jin said...

Glad you guys are feeling some peace. Have an awesome time in NYC!

Kandid Kelli said...

Hey honey... I am sorry that bitch AF showed right before vacation.. ugh. Always putting a damper on things-
Have a great time! I can't wait to hear all about it when you get back! I love you

xo
-K

Kim said...

I totally get that bitter sweet feeling. Making a decision either way comes with many emotions. I hope that you continue to feel the peace with your decision and are able to enjoy your vacation. I will be thinking about you sending lots of love your way.

Candidly_Andrea said...

I hope this doesn't come out wrong but I am so happy that you found some peace! It's wonderful when a tough decision that you might dread making turns out to be enlightening.

I hope you two have a wonderful time in NYC.

S said...

I find that arriving at a decision, even when it is a difficult one, often brings a feeling of relief because I hate uncertainty.

I hope that you are able to enjoy your trip! :-)

Al said...

Such a difficult decision. I think the sense of peace shows that you've made the right choice.

Maybe we'll be IVF buddies in six months..I think I might be on a break for that long, too.

Have a fantastic time with Joey in NYC.

HUGS.

Crossed Fingers said...

I'm SO beyond happy that you felt at peace with your choice. No matter what choices we make in life - about anything - feeling at peace and happy with them is such a blessing.

I'm sad to here AF decided to tag along on your much needed get away She's a super b!tch isn't she? ;)

Enjoy your trip! Looking forward to hearing all about it!

The Ashes said...

Hopefully AF won't ruin your vacation! Have a good time

Secret Sloper said...

That sense of peace shows me (and I'm sure you, too) that this is the right decision. I truly believe that you will have the family of your dreams and maybe this day, this moment, is a real step toward that dream.

Have a wonderful rest of your trip here in NYC.

Basic Girl said...

I'm so sorry AF showed early, that is not cool. And I know how hard and scary it is, when you realize the next step is IVF. It's a big deal, and a big decision. Enjoy some quality time with the hubs this weekend, can't wait to hear all about your trip!!

Waiting Lisa said...

I am happy that you have made a decision and are at peace with it. I think it's a good decision. I am excited for you to move forward to the next part of your journey. In the meantime, enjoy the break.

Love and *hugs*

I hope you are having a great time right now :)

Kelly said...

I know this isn't the road you wanted, but I'm glad you were able to reach a decision. Knowing what path you're taking is a good first step.

Hve a fabulous trip.

JC said...

I'm sorry she showed early =(. I'm glad you are at peace with your decision. I can surely say I understand your decision. I know it has to be upsetting but I also know you will enjoy a break. It's exhausting all these appts and whatnot. I hope you guys have a great time in NYC! See ya when you get back =).

Alice said...

I'm glad you're ready to move onto the next stage. I know it's a big and difficult decision. But, you've done everything you can.

I hope the vacation and time off bring lots of smiles.

Rebecca said...

Lots of ((hugs)). Have a good trip.

Jen said...

I hate indecision and being uncertain, so I can see how it would be a sense of relief to have a solid plan. That blows that AF showed before your vacation; I hope it goes well regardless!

S.I.F. said...

I am just so happy you are at peace with this decision. I think that is a good thing! There would have been so much pressure going into that "last" cycle too. It would have been hard... I have high hopes for you with IVF though! I really really do!

Amanda and Zach said...

I'm sorry AF showed and you had to make this decision. I hope that you having that sense of peace continues and carries you through your wait in between.

Have a great trip!

AplusB said...

I hope this weekend is relaxing and rejuvenating for you and Joey. Enjoy this time together.

Conceptionally Challenged said...

Sorry that AF showed up early. But I'm glad you two are at peace with your decision. Enjoy the vacation as much as you can!

Ashley said...

I think it's great that you both have peace about this decision. I hope you have a wonderful relaxing vacation!

Katie said...

Well, whatever the decision had ended up being...I'm glad it's made now and you can move forward.

I hope you're having a great time this weekend--you deserve it!!

Tillie said...

I'm sorry you had to make that decision...I am glad you are at peace though..that's very important. I know you have a long road in front of you and I'm here if you need anything...

ps a doxie will fill up your heart till you have a child to do it...many *hugs*

liberalgranolagirl said...

*hugs* Very glad that you have peace about your decision <3