Thursday, May 6, 2010

acceptance

Going through infertility is similar to going through the stages of grief. I have written about this before in my blog--about how I feel as though I am constantly jumping from stage to stage in no real pattern, but that I have never felt that "final" stage: acceptance.

Well, something has happened over the last couple of days. A feeling of acceptance has crept into my body. It is a slow process, but I can feel it in the back of my mind. I have waited on this feeling for a long time, and it is finally here.

Acceptance does not mean I am giving up all of the other stages of grief. There will still be days and moments of anger and sadness. But I think the stages of shock and denial are over. In 18 days, we will reach our two-year wedding anniversary and our two-year anniversary of trying to have a baby. It has taken two years, but I am no longer shocked about this process or any part of it. I am no longer in denial. In a way, acceptance is the last step to me giving up control.

Acceptance is me admitting the following:

I am infertile. This does not mean that we won't have a baby. We will have a baby. It will not be the way I imagined or the way my husband imagined. It will not be in the timeframe we imagined (it already isn't). It has and will continue to require us being patient.

Bargaining, pleading, begging, and getting angry with God or anyone else will get me nowhere in my quest to have a baby. Getting angry with my friends and family for not understanding is normal, but I also have to understand that they will never truly "get" what we are going through.

There will be days when I am sad and mad and this is okay. I need to let out my emotions and talk about my infertility in order to cope with each negative and move forward in this process. Ignoring things will not make them go away--it will only make them worse.

Randy Pausch said in his last lecture, "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." This, infertility, is the hand my husband and I were dealt. It doesn't mean we won't win the game. It just means we will have to work harder to win it.

24 comments:

Crossed Fingers said...

*hugs* This is a beautiful, heartfelt post. I love that last paragraph as well!

2catdaughters said...

This is a beautiful post. I love that quote, and for what it's worth, I think you're playing your hand with strength and grace. *hugs*

S said...

I agree that dealing with infertility is similar to grieving any loss. There must be something about the 18-month-to-2-year mark in that process because it is in that timeframe that I, too--along with several other women I know--finally accepted infertility as a fact of life.

I wish you the best as you move forward. It isn't an easy path.

Stephanie said...

So honest and beautiful. That quote is going to be my FB status today. Its so true. As always prayers and early happy almost wedding anniversary ;)

Rach said...

Baby steps. I think I recently accepted that we will not conceive the normal happy way and I'm ok with that now. I have not accepted the fact that we may never have kids though! That one will be a little tougher.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I understand the need for this completely- I think it's amazing you got there in 2 years, it took me three.

I posted about it here:
http://www.blogger.com/posts.g?security_token=AOuZoY59Z4F382nkhZMCDzU96MJDy96UqQ%3A1273169857392&blogID=4816061981239397541&label=&searchType=ALL&txtKeywords=acceptance&numPosts=25

I do think there is a certain sense of peace when we FINALLY really actually let go of the control over infertility. (The irony being that control was always just a mirage!) Of course, we must go to appts., etc.. but it's a sense of peace and I think it's wonderful you are moving there.

It's very tough, and it takes lots of work, and I am proud of you. *hugs*

Michelle said...

Beautiful post. Thank you so much fore sharing this with us and thank you for reminding me..

Secret Sloper said...

This is really inspiring. I've often wondered what acceptance for me will look like--acceptance of the miscarriage, of the fact that this isn't and won't be easy, of my anger and sadness--but I still don't know how it will look when it finally comes (I hope it's in the form of a 9-month pregnant belly, which shows I haven't accepted anything!)

I hope I can be as wise as you seem one day.

Kelly said...

I had thought of this comparision before too, but thought that I was off my rocker. You articulated it in such a way that it makes perfect sense. :)

Rebecca said...

Beautifully pu, as always. (((hugs)))

kayee said...

This is perfectly said. I couldn't have said it any better and this is exactly how I feel as well! Thank you for putting it in writing for me to read and realize that I too accept my "cards".

I wish you the best of luck.

And as a previous poster said, that quote will be my FB status and I will live that way everyday.

someday-soon said...

Acceptance is so hard to acheive. I hope it brings you peace in the rest of your TTC journey!

Dear Diary said...

Love this post! Hang in there. Big Hug!

Marla.z said...

It's funny, I reached that same point at my two-year mark, too. I wonder if it normally takes two years to get to that point. I was obsessed for two years, and then one day, just like that, I was finally able to let it all go. I wish happiness and peace for you, Katie. *hugs*

The Baby Race said...

I wish I had your strength to accept this. To not rail and cry and be angry at the world. I'm still working on it.

Waiting Lisa said...

I think I am moving closer to acceptance.

I have cycled through all phases in no particular order...over and over again.

Love you! *hugs*

Arlyne said...

I'm glad you finally found some peace in all of this. I think I'm right there with you! xo

cOLey24 said...

I truly hope that you are on your way to finding peace. The stages of grief are terrible - this I know - and the best feeling in the world is being able to accept what's happening and figure out a way to live your life despite it all.

Big hugs tonight!

Kandid Kelli said...

This is beautiful Katie! As Always. I am so glad that you have found acceptance.

ilu.

xo
-K

Alice said...

Wonderful post. Isn't it amazing how our perspective, thoughts and emotions change over time? It's not necessarily that it becomes easier but it does become different.

S.I.F. said...

I was JUST telling someone the other day that dealing with my endo/infertility diagnosis is like dealing with the stages of grief. You hit the nail on the head with this one lady!

waiting for baby said...

Very good post! :) I love that quote!

Kakunaa said...

This was so wonderful to read. Thank you for putting it out there....(((HUGS)))

Ashley said...

*hugs* This was a beautiful post!