Going through infertility is similar to going through the stages of grief. I have written about this before in my blog--about how I feel as though I am constantly jumping from stage to stage in no real pattern, but that I have never felt that "final" stage: acceptance.
Well, something has happened over the last couple of days. A feeling of acceptance has crept into my body. It is a slow process, but I can feel it in the back of my mind. I have waited on this feeling for a long time, and it is finally here.
Acceptance does not mean I am giving up all of the other stages of grief. There will still be days and moments of anger and sadness. But I think the stages of shock and denial are over. In 18 days, we will reach our two-year wedding anniversary and our two-year anniversary of trying to have a baby. It has taken two years, but I am no longer shocked about this process or any part of it. I am no longer in denial. In a way, acceptance is the last step to me giving up control.
Acceptance is me admitting the following:
I am infertile. This does not mean that we won't have a baby. We will have a baby. It will not be the way I imagined or the way my husband imagined. It will not be in the timeframe we imagined (it already isn't). It has and will continue to require us being patient.
Bargaining, pleading, begging, and getting angry with God or anyone else will get me nowhere in my quest to have a baby. Getting angry with my friends and family for not understanding is normal, but I also have to understand that they will never truly "get" what we are going through.
There will be days when I am sad and mad and this is okay. I need to let out my emotions and talk about my infertility in order to cope with each negative and move forward in this process. Ignoring things will not make them go away--it will only make them worse.
Randy Pausch said in his last lecture, "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand." This, infertility, is the hand my husband and I were dealt. It doesn't mean we won't win the game. It just means we will have to work harder to win it.