Thursday, April 8, 2010

inevitable

We’ve been trying for two years, and I knew this day would come. It was only a matter of time.

We’ve been lapped.

My friend and former boss, who got pregnant with baby #1 a few months after we started trying, announced on Facebook last night that baby #2 is due on October 16.

I can’t say this surprised me. She always said she wanted a big family and I heard through mutual friends several months back that she and her husband were thinking about trying again.

So at first, her pregnancy announcement didn’t elicit anger.

Instead, after a few minutes of reflection, it reminded me that I had forgotten to take my medication with dinner.

That’s when I got angry.

My mom watched me as I opened the kitchen cabinet and took out three pill bottles. One by one I slammed them on the counter with force:

“First, I get to take the Femara, so my stupid, lazy ovaries will get off their ass an DO something!”

[slam]

“THEN, I will take my prenatal vitamins. The same stupid purple pills that I’ve been taking for TWO YEARS, and do you know what they do? Nothing. They only make me cry every time I go to a new doctor, he or she sees it on my medication list and then asks, ‘Are you pregnant?’ Um, no, I’m not. But thanks a lot for bringing it up!”

[slam]

“And finally, I’ll take my Lexapro so I don't jump off a bridge because, after two years, I'm still barren.

[slam]

So while Mrs. Fertile basked in the glow radiated by her super-fertile uterus, I opened each pill bottle, took out my dosage, swallowed them one by one, and quietly placed the bottles back into the cabinet.

My mom just stared at me. The only thing I could muster before leaving the room was,

“Things were not supposed to be this way.”

35 comments:

Kandid Kelli said...

Youre right. Things were not supposed to be this way but you know what, bc of your trials, you will be the best mom. I say this with the utmost confidence that you will be a mother. I love you like I know you IRL.

I wish that I could just take all your pain from you!! I hate knowing that you're sad.

xo
-K

Rach said...

Totally understand your frustration. We are coming up on our 1 year next week. It's crazy to think how excited I was one year ago and how miserable the last year has been.

suchagoodegg said...

This is so freaking true. And now I'm taking all of these RANDOM supplements in the hopes they help my uterine lining and I hate how they smell and taste and I'm not even cycling and this whole thing blows. I'm in that kind of mood!

PS I totally and completely stay off Facebook.

JL said...

Huge hugs. I feel your pain and it is so incredibly unfair that we have to go through this.

The Baby Race said...

F facebook! F our inability to control our lives! F our lazy ass ovaries! F all those stupid pills!

If you lived here I'd take you shopping, but you don't so I will send hugs.

Dawn said...

Super fertiles suck! Just sending lots of hugs your way. I hope this is your lucky cycle!

A said...

I got lapped a couple months ago- her #2 is due in august. It plain STINKS. And yah, taking prenatals is becoming a slap in the face for sure....

Al said...

Oh Katie, I so relate and I'm so sorry.

F all the stupid pills and all this pain!!

Hugs.

jinnyolsen said...

I got lapped at the end of March. And then learned yesterday that 3 of my friends who JUST STARTED trying all got pregnant before cycle 3. It hurts like hell and it's just not fair (thus the emo Jin yesterday). Massive ((hugs))

Jin said...

Oh hell. Wrote the wrong user name. That was me, lol.

Kim said...

uhhhg I am so sorry. I have had people congratulate me on the prenatals too, assuming I was pregnant. It hurts. it's not fair. it wasn't supposed to be this way. I am sorry.

xoxoxoxoxox

Ashley said...

Things are not suppose to be this way. :( I've been lapped too. My friend had a baby the month we started ttc. (Jan last year) Then in Aug...8 months later she tells me she is pregnant again and she doesn't know how b/c her period hadn't even come back and she was still breastfeeding. I was like are you freakin' kidding me!?!?! She's due in a few weeks. It hurts. It sucks. I am so sorry. :(

Rebecca said...

Getting lapped is SO hard. I'm so sorry.

And, you're right, it shouldn't be this way. Every time I empty yet another bottle of pre-natals I think someone is laughing at me. Foolish girl, why'd you think you'd be taking these for any reason other than to make your nails stronger? I will only buy the damn things if I can go through the self-checkout line and I hide them in my cart. In a small town there is ALWAYS someone there who'll ask. I just hate it.

It's so hard to go through so much and watch people not only get pregnant once but twice or more. I'm so tired of it.

Trisha said...

Loads of hugs to u! just know that you are NOT alone, unfortunatly there are plenty of us out there feeling your pain. we're all here for u.

Marla.z said...

Damn that stupid Fac.ebook. Grrrr. I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this, Katie. =( Stupid fertile people and their stupid Fac.ebook updates.

Jessica said...

I have been lapped too and it hurts. ((HUGS))

Britt said...

After our most recent loss a friend gave me a painting (done for our daughter, Ella Grace) that said "The stronger the winds, the stronger the tree." I can empathize with how "unfair" it is and how much it isn't supposed to be this way. Thoughts and prayers for you and your journey.

Candidly_Andrea said...

I feel your pain. I've been lapped several times and unfortunately it stings each time. You are so not alone and WE WILL have our moment too. **HUGS**

Amanda said...

I've been lapped by several people now...and it blows!!!

Before all of this IF stuff I never took pills for anything..and now I feel like a "junky" at times....ARRRGGH.....

Ashley said...

Oh I feel ya! This May will be year #4 for us of ttc and we've been lapped, and lapped, and lapped....(I could go on). What helps me is thinking about the fact that even though things didn't happen as quick as I would like, I have had 6 wonderful years of marriage and vacations and weekend getaways without a screaming baby!!! That's all I got. :)

Hang in there!!!

Holly said...

things really were not supposed to be this way and there is nothing fair about it *hugs* I can relate to your frustration and I hope that very soon you will have your bfp and only need to take the pre-natals

The Millers said...

Yeah...FB...devil. I have not logged in for months. If I had to see another pregnancy announcement, gender announcement, child is now walking announcement, child now invented the cure to cancer announcement I was going to go postal.
You are right...not supposed to be this way.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

The only thing worse than getting lapped- I just found out (through Facebook of course) I have been TRIPLE lapped (singletons) by someone who was originally on fertility medications.

It elicited a similar response in me!

This is so unfair. But keep taking that Femara. You never know...

ifcrossroads said...

Being lapped is the worst feeling in the world. It happened to me and I just wanted to cry for days.

You're right, it's not supposed to be this way. no, it's not.

JC said...

Yup I totally agree. It was not supposed to be this way and this sucks!!! I'm hoping and praying we both get our miracle soon, like this month! ;)

Alice said...

ugh. sorry. I detest getting lapped. Unfortunately, it's happened many times and I just want to SCREAM!

The Ashes said...

*hugs*

Jen said...

Nope, not supposed to be this way. Getting lapped is such a slap in the face. Hang in there

Katie said...

((((giant hugs))))

~~~~~LOVE~~~~~

that's all.

S.I.F. said...

Oh Katie! You are so right - things are not supposed to be this way. It shouldn't be so hard. It shouldn't ever be this hard. I'm just so annoyed for you right now.

Crossed Fingers said...

*HUGS* You're right - that's not how it was suppose to be. I wish I could say or do something that would make things OK but I know that's not possible. I hurt for you - I do. I have not been in your shoes and I hurt for you but I pray & think about you often. I root for you and pull for you and have hope for you when you don't have it for yourself.

Basic Girl said...

I recently got lapped and it was the hugest blow I've experienced in the whole ttc effing journey. It was a suprise annoucement, by my bestie...who got preggers again on accident...all while I'm prepping for IVF. Seriously, dagger to the heart. So I know how truly awful that feels, its so frickin unfair. And popping my nightly prenatal for going on a year and a half is just a sucky nightly reminder that nothing is happening. So I agree with everyone else, eff the pills, and the shots, and the supps...ugh. (((HUGS)))

Waiting Lisa said...

First I laughed about the fact that you talked about jumping off a bridge b'c I mentioned jumping off a bridge in my post this morning. Here we are just trying to get through everyday and not jump off a bridge.

Then just a couple lines later I had tears in my eyes when I read "Things were not supposed to be this way."

Exactly.

I love you. I love your blog.

Oh, and I have been lapped so many times I have lost count. The one that really surprised me was being lapped during our adoption wait. A close friend of mine didn't just get pregnant twice within our adoption wait time, she actually had two babies. Back to back.

At this point I am just hoping we have our baby before any of the people that lapped me have kids in college, haha.

Anonymous said...

I've been lapped by everyone and their dog, pretty much. And then again, and again.

I totally know how you feel, and it is not good. I wish you peace, and a crystal ball that would let you know EXACTLY when, and how many children, are in your future. And if you could let me use when you're done, that would be awesome

keep the faith,
Mary

Brittany said...

Four years of trying here, and my morning routine sounds about the same as yours -- shot in the stomach for my lazy ovaries, prenatal vitamins that don't do jack, and prozac to keep me sane.

It most definitely is not supposed to be this way.