Thursday, April 15, 2010

the crazies

Things are better now. Based on everyone’s comments and consulting Dr. Google, a Friday IUI is probably for the best. 27 mm is very big, and the odds of it lasting until Friday or being at the right maturity level are slim to none. In fact, I would guess that something happened to that follicle this morning, as I am having pains on my right side.

Do you ever have those moments where you just freak out and you have no idea why? Or maybe you do know why and it is over something so minor that you look back and you can’t believe it happened? That’s what happened to me yesterday with all of this. I flipped out. Calm Katie went right out of the door and inserted Crazy Katie in her place. Luckily, it only lasted through the evening, but still. I hate that feeling. Even though Femara has been better than Clomid with my emotions, it still drives me insane when I have no control over what I do, say, and feel.

So I cried hysterically. I was frustrated at my RE’s office. Why would they tell me that morning to come in on Thursday if they didn’t know for sure? Why would they wait until 4:45 to change their mind? Don’t they know I have a job to notify? Why would they yell at me for calling at 4:45 to get my appointment time? Why can’t I just have sex and get pregnant like a normal person?

I went home. I cried some more. My mom did my trigger shot. I bled. I ate chocolate. I popped Lexapro. And then I drank some Moscato, logged onto Facebook, and became angry at someone’s resentful status update about her children. So, I posted this on my own status:

Infertility sucks. For those of you out there who were/are able to conceive naturally, please don't ever forget how blessed you are!

And then went to bed.

This morning, I woke up to a message in my inbox on Facebook: a reply to my status update. It was a friend of mine from college. He and his wife (also a friend from college) are infertile, too, and he just wanted me to know that I wasn’t alone.

He’s right. I’m not alone. I have my husband. And I have all of you. So thank you, for dealing with Crazy Katie yesterday. Here’s hoping she stays away for a long, long time.

21 comments:

Katie said...

first, (((giant hugs)))

second, if it makes you feel any better....I have a "Crazy Katie," too and she pops up randomly....and I can't even blame it on any meds I'm taking.

;-)

Crossed Fingers said...

(HUGS) I think the RE's office dropped the ball for you - blame Crazy Katie on them. :)

Hayley said...

You know we love you, Crazy Katie and all. Facebook is so evil. I love you!

Jin said...

I think we're all operating on some level of crazy. Just the side effect if IF...or in some cases, it's just normal. Love the status thing, I'm tempted to write something similar for those irritating complaining parents.

Kim said...

We all get a case of the crazies from time to time, nothing to be ashamed of or beat yourself up over. Glad your feeling better today. xoxoxoxoxox

Jen said...

Good for you for posting that on FB. I agree, FB can be evil, but I'll bet it felt kind of good to put it out there. Good luck tomorrow!!

Rach said...

Breath in, breath out, lol. I've had lots of these types of moments. It sucks that our cycles are all up to our RE and we just have to trust them. I pray everything works out this cycle!

Marla.z said...

I'm not a Faceb.ook fan, but awesome status update! Love it! Glad you're having a better day today. =)

suchagoodegg said...

I'm so glad you're feeling better. One guy already out there looking for swimmers and two more raring to go. I love it!!!! GL to you my friend!!

Al said...

Love your facebook status update and so cool that you got a message from someone who is going through the same thing.

I'm with you on the crazies this week, I just can't shake them.

Best of luck tomorrow!!

Holly said...

*hugs* I don't think anyone struggling with IF doesn't have at least a few crazy moments. All my fingers and toes crossed for a successful IUI on Friday! looks like Friday is seriously big day, hope it brings good news all around *hugs*

JL said...

To be honest, you have to be somewhat crazy to go through all this crap... some days are better than others, and some are crazier than others.

Good luck tomorrow!

Basic Girl said...

Okay, so I totally know what you're talking about when the crazy version of yourself appears...luckily hubby can spot her from a mile away, and usually calms me downs and forces me to talk about what's really bothering me. Cause its never the thing I'm having a major meltdown over, but when it happens it totally sucks!! So I'm sorry, but am very excited for your IUI tomorrow...sending you tons of good vibes and hoping the timing is perfect for catching a follie, or two!!!

Kelly said...

(((HUGS)))

I wonder what Crazy Katie does when she doesn't make her appearance and if she knows my alter ego, Crazy Kelly. :)

I so hope that this IUI is it for you. Good luck tomorrow.

And you're right...you're not alone. I have to hop over to your page now since I didn't see your status update.

Ashley said...

Can you explain Lexapro to me? I don't know what it is--but I think I need it. And sometimes I surprise myself at how crazy I am. I think you have to be pretty crazy to surprise a crazy person! Ha!

The Steffens said...

I'm too lazy to sign into my Baby Race account, but this is me, so don't be scared :)

*hugs* Sorry for all the crazies. None of this is easy. And even if the meds don't get you, the uncertainty and confusion and frustration will. I think you are handling it all very well, so don't get down on yourself. Good look tomorrow morning. Wishing good things for you this cycle!!!!

Jessica said...

I hate when "Crazy Jessica" comes out too. You are not alone...we have our moments.

cOLey24 said...

We all have our days - don't be so hard on yourself! You're allowed to be crazy - it's part of the IF ride. It's better that you let yourself feel things and let the emotions out instead of keeping them bottled up inside and then going crazy for real. Start over tomorrow :)

Arlyne said...

I'm honored to know both sane & crazy Katie! :)

thinking good thoughts for tomorrow's IUI!

S.I.F. said...

One of my least favorite things about Lupron is that some days I completely lose it and have no idea why. It is totally normal, and honestly? It doesn’t sound like you lost it that bad. And I really think some parents can use the reminder from time to time how lucky they are!

Beckie's Infertile said...

I am not to sure how I came across your blog, but I like it!

Looking forward to reading it!