Friday, March 5, 2010

when you wish upon a star

Infertility has stripped away the last of my innocence. But if I had to pinpoint a time when I lost my first piece of it, I was probably about ten years old.

As a child, I was a dreamer. I was the little girl who believed in fairy tales. I would watch old shows like Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie hoping that, someday, I would be able to wiggle the tip of my nose or rub a lamp and make magical things happen. Our VHS cabinet was stocked with every Disney movie that involved princesses. At age seven, on my first memorable trip to the Magic Kingdom, I remember thinking that I could be a princess someday, too, and a wave of my wand would make everything okay.

One morning, when I was ten years old, I awoke to a surprise. The night before, I had placed a tooth under my pillow in hopes that the Tooth Fairy would leave me 50 cents. It was a "big" tooth and I knew that the Tooth Fairy would give me an extra quarter for losing a tooth of this size (as she had in the past). But this time, I had forgotten to tell my parents about this lost tooth. So when I peeked under my pillow to check out my fortune, it took me a minute to process the fact that my tooth was still there--wrapped in a tissue, exactly as I'd left it.

I promptly marched downstairs into the kitchen where my mom was making breakfast. I demanded to know why the Tooth Fairy didn't bring me money for my tooth. Was this tooth not good enough? Did she forget about me? Did she just not get the message?

When she broke the news that it was all make believe, along with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, I cried. I felt so betrayed. How could my parents do this to me? How could they let me believe that there was a pot of gold waiting at the end of every rainbow? How could they let me believe that when I wished upon a star, all of my dreams would come true?

I relive that day at the end of every failed cycle and at the end of every failed cycle of every IFer who I follow on this journey. I wish I still believed in wishes; that sense of joy I felt when I thought that anything could happen and a wave of a wand could make the world right again. More than anything, I want to go back to the day where I stood in front of the television and practiced wiggling my nose like Samantha. If I could only wiggle it just right, I would be able to turn all of my dreams into reality. I want to go back to the day when I was a ten-year-old girl, wrapping her tooth in a napkin and quietly placing it under her pillow--her mind still full of hopes and dreams and that innocent smile still on her face.

Instead, I forever live in the morning after. Tears streaming down my face as my mom tried to convince me that dreams could still come true, but secretly knowing things would never, ever be the same.


Jin said...

((HUGS)) I can't wiggle my nose, but I can do a mean Jeannie impersonating that I'll do for you.

And remember, you are Joey's princess.

Rebecca said...

Oh, I so wish that wishes would come true. I make them so often on this journey. They keep getting dashed. :( ((Hugs))

Al said...

I know what you mean. I hate that IF has stripped me of my ability to hope and trust. Dreams come true for some people, but they don't seem to come true for me.

But when it does happen for us ... I hope some of what we lost will be restored.

Astrid said...

This is a really good way of capturing the pain and frustration. Even being on the other side of the pregnant/not pregnant line, I can't recapture even a shred of the innocents or hope that I used to have. Every day is a miracle that I've convinced myself I might be unworthy of.

It's like I dare not hope. And I certainly never assume anything will turn out the way I wish it would.

But each day keeps coming and I still have my little one and it's astounding to me that things CAN go right after so much pain and disappointment. After so much convincing evdience that the world is cruel. I guess good things can happen even if you have no innocence left. And my hope is that it happens for you soon because you're overdue for some princess treatment by the universe.

Crossed Fingers said...

You are more than IF - just remember that, no matter how hard it may be. You are a sweet, caring, kind hearted, wife, daughter, friend. You're a worker, a fighter, a dreamer and a doer.

Kelly said...

I hate IF and all that it has taken from us going through it.

Kandid Kelli said...

Dreams come true... You dreamed of your prince I am sure while at Disney and look who you got... Joey, who from your stories is beyond amazing. I am not an RE so I can't say wether or not youre on the road to getting your next dream but I can HOPE for you that you are. I know you have alot of people praying for you and I know hoe strong that power is.


Katie said...

I wasn't sure what my comment on this post was going to be....but I think the very first comment is the best and better than anything I could have said.... that you are Joey's princess.

How sweet! :-)

Bean stalk ballads said...

I know honey that the beautiful little girl you were is still in there somewhere. I see her spark in your writing, your sense of humour and your words. You havent lost her completely in this difficult time. I promise.

Amanda said...

This post totally brought me back to a time when I believed in princesses, fairy tales, and a happy ending. This was a very emotional post to read because I really understand what you are saying.

I pray that we will all find our happy endings to this IF stuff one way or another and WHEN we have children I pray that they will have a childhood full of fantasy, magical memories, and happy endings.

Arlyne said...

although IF has stripped us all of any innocence, & the belief that wishes do come true, I think that for most of us, the wish that came true is finding our one, true, love & the one to whom we are all prncesses. I know it's true for me, & also for you. our DH's are our prince charming's!

Basic Girl said...

I hate IF, for taking that from us. And as many times as I've sworn I wouldn't believe or hope anymore, it seems like every month is a repeat of your morning...and again I'm shocked to find there is nothing under that pillow. We all deserve that frickin quarter so much, and although I tell myself not to I still do believe for you, for me, for all of us. There just has to be a happy ending in store for us! (((HUGS)))

Dawn said...

Very well said! And I agree the comments that said that you are Joey's princess.

AplusB said...

This is a really beautiful post and perfectly speak to what so many of us feel.
I really hope your wish for a baby does come true, and soon. If I learn any magic tricks, I'll let you know :)

Noelle said...

I think you are still that little girl who believes that dreams can come true. I can see it in your posts. You have Hope. You have determination. You are living your life opened up for that miracle to happen. You still want it so badly. This desire that you have is Hope.

I think that something is going to happen that is going to make you feel like a princess again.