Definition: the selective overlooking or ignoring of events or acts that led to pregnancy
To those of you who suffer from infertility amnesia: I do not understand you.
I do not understand how you can go through multiple treatments, the pain and suffering, the losses, and the surgeries and just . . . forget.
I do not understand how it is that you think you are so much better than everyone else because you are pregnant and the rest of us are still empty inside.
I do not understand how pregnancy suddenly becomes an excuse to be absent from the lives of your infertile friends.
I do not understand how, when you do take interest in our lives, you can be so blasé and carefree when it comes time to write down words of advice those of us who are still in the trenches battling with this disease.
You cannot possibly cope by forgetting: no matter how many or how little months it took you to get pregnant. You cannot possibly sleep better at night knowing that you have lied to everyone about what you have been through. You cannot possibly feel good pushing the rest of us aside because, suddenly, you have no time for us less important, infertile beings.
I have no idea what it is like to be pregnant. I do not know what it is like to see a second line on a pee stick or get a phone call from my RE's office with an amazing number. I do not know what a baby looks like on an ultrasound or what a heartbeat should sound like. And guess what? I. MAY. NEVER. KNOW. Does that make me less of a person than you? Less important? Less of a priority? And how is it that when you become pregnant, you suddenly become Nostradamus and you KNOW I am going to get pregnant: The same words you hated hearing just a month or two before.
No one can predict where our roads will end. Not us, not our partners, not our doctors. It's all up to fate or God or whatever you believe in. This is not a Lifetime movie where you know there will be two hours of heartache and drama, only for it to end with every character's sanity and relationships still intact. This is REAL shit. There are people who will not come out on the other side with a happy ending. You are pregnant. Good for you! You will probably get your sunshine at the end. The rest of us are still sitting here in the dark.
Respect that. Please. And know that will all always be infertile, pregnancy or no pregnancy. The sooner you get a grasp on that, the easier it will be to cope.
A wise infertile once said to me:
Don’t forget where you came from. A lot of people want to put this whole part of their lives in their rearview mirror when they are done, have resolution, and never want to think about it again. To me, it’s kind of disrespecting the experience. It’s like pretending that it was all so easy and that I wasn’t scarred from it or that I didn’t come out a different person--and that’s just not true. I think in a lot of ways I did actually gain from the experience: my marriage is stronger, I know who my real friends are, I have better/closer friends now than I did before, and I have a new perspective on life in general and definitely parenthood. I’m a different (better) parent than I would have been if it had all been easy and I had taken it all for granted.
Not every pregnant infertile is like this. I admire and appreciate the majority of you who are continuously there despite getting pregnant and (in some cases) giving birth. You are the kind of infertile I want to grow up to be: a parent, but more comforting and compassionate. You have not forgotten your past and you still look out for the little people down here at the bottom who are waiting for their turn.
Ok. Go ahead. Delete me. Curse me out. After all, I am the stupid infertile who has never been pregnant. What would I know?