Monday, February 22, 2010

the illusion

Thursday afternoon, after my visit with the surgeon had a chance to settle in, I started to struggle with feelings of guilt. Mostly, though, I just felt like a burden.

So, that night, when I laid my head onto my pillow, I finally decided to let go.

I released everything I kept inside of me yesterday, but I think I also let go everything that has been gnawing at my heart for almost two years. In a way, it was me giving up control over many things: my body, my life, my emotions, and my pain. I cried so hard that I could barely catch my breath.

It felt amazing.

I didn't wallow in my self-pity on Friday. I decided to make the most of my last weekend before being sliced and diced twice.

We bought furniture and bedding, and we picked out paint for the new place. We drank. We went out to Sunday breakfast. We finally agreed to book an anniversary trip to NYC, where we will stay at a nice hotel and not worry about spending money for once.

On the outside, I looked put together this weekend. I put makeup on. I did my hair instead of pulling it back in a hair tie. I shaved my legs, which is a huge accomplishment during winter. I wore thongs. (I know you were dying to know that.) Doing those things made me forget how screwed up my body is inside. Because for the first time in a long time, when I looked in the mirror, I didn't see a lump in my breast, or ovaries that didn't work, or a uterus that I am not sure could ever carry a child.

I saw me. For a moment, I looked whole again.

28 comments:

Kandid Kelli said...

You are such a beautiful woman. I don't know you IRL, but I feel as if I do. You have such an amazing soul. You are so positive, even with all this happening. I commend you! I am so glad you and Joey had a great weekend. You BOTH deserve it. Good luck with your surgeries Katie. As always you're in my continual thoughts and prayers.

I hope all your dreams come true, soon!

xo
K

Hayley said...

Oh girl. I'm glad you had a great weekend. I can't wait to stay with you guys in your new place! Yay for NYC!

I lover you!

Stefanie Blakely said...

I hope that when you look in the mirror, you see the beautiful, beautiful woman you are.

That's what I see.

Crossed Fingers said...

I love a good cry - it just seems to release all the stress we've built up and gets the toxic energy out of our system. I think it's refreshing and something you just need to do sometimes. I hope your week goes well and I'm looking forward to your update.

Littlest True Blue said...

So glad you let it all out! Holding that shit in just makes everything grow and boil up to the surface. HOpe you found some relief. I am really crossign my fingers that your surgeries go well! You are a champ!
xo LTB

Dawn said...

I'm glad that you were able to let yourself have a good cry. I'm wishing you many more moments of feeling whole in the future!

Astrid said...

It's not an illusion. you are whole. it's not fair, what's going on. but it's temporary. you'll be all fixed up soon. And I'm so happy you planned a NY get away. How fabulous (the W hotel!!). I can't imagine convincing my dh to not worry about money. But it's so evident to me that sometimes you just need that. Sometimes it's not about money.

Bean stalk ballads said...

Katie.. I couldnt be any prouder of you if you were sitting in my living room having a cuppa with me right now. Girl, you are fabuluous and I am so ridiculously proud of your strength I could just burst.

The Millers said...

Oh you just gave me chills. You are beautiful inside and out!! You will be in my thoughts and prayers for you awaited surgeries.

Ashley said...

I am glad that you had a good weekend, but I am sorry that you are going through this. Praying for you that everything goes well!

suchagoodegg said...

What a beautiful post. I just love your writing. I'm glad that cry felt awesome and I'm so happy you had a fantastic weekend. You're a fighter, and you're going to make it through this. I'm cheering you on. Lean on us. HUGS!

Arlyne said...

(((HUGS))) to an amazing woman! I'm so glad you enjoyed yourself this weekend!

Tina said...

I love having a really good cry. Doesn't it just make it all feel like the biggest weight has been lifted?

I am so glad you took some time for yourself this weekend. Yes, shaving your legs and doing your hair is doing something for yourself! It really makes me feel a hundred times better to be lookin good!!!!

I love some retail therapy, especially coupled with a trip!

I am praying that your surgeries go well.

Rebecca said...

I am so glad that you were able to release it all and to have a good weekend. This was really beautiful and I just am wishing so hard that everything turns positive for you soon.

Carrie said...

I am BEYOND excited that you were able to see Katie this weekend. IF strips our self-worth. I am so glad you and J were able to get away and just be a couple. Thinking of you for your upcoming surgeries!

ifcrossroads said...

I think what you experienced this weekend was a grand awakening of being able to deal with the shit bag of crap you've been handed. It sucks that you're being dealt with two surgeries in one week. Noone should have to deal with this and your spirit is handing it like a true warrior.

Letting go and releasing the flood of emotions is a part of the coping (and sometimes healing) process and I wish you strength for this week.

xxoo

Erin said...

Katie, this is so lovely! I'm glad you were able to have such a positive weekend!

Kelly said...

Katie, you may not realize this, but you are one of the strongest women that I know. I'm so glad that you were able to do all those "little" things that you haven't been doing and feel whole again, even for a little while!

I'm excited for your upcoming trip!

JC said...

I'm glad you had a great weekend! I am praying for your 2 surgeries and hoping everything goes well and you're feeling good in no time!

Katie said...

Good for you for "letting it go." It's hard to do, but when that works, it feels amazing, doesn't it?

I'm glad you had a good weekend and I know things with both surgeries will go well!

((hugs))

onegreatcity said...

Katie, this was the most inspiring thing I've heard you say/seen you write in a long time. I'm glad you and Joey had a good weekend and now I'm even more excited to see the house! You are such an incredible person. I can't wait to see you (or Eclipse!) in a few months.

Leslie said...

Your post has taught me a lot! It shows that letting go can be really helpful to living life. I am so happy that you had a wonderful weekend and were able to do things that you enjoy. Lots of ++ thoughts to you this week. I will be thinking of you.

nicolemarie said...

I'm so happy you were able to find a minute or two of happiness. It's good to be able to break it all down and let yourself go for once. Keep those good things in your heart, and always be happy for what you have, not sad for what you don't. Tomorrow is a new day, and you never know what it may bring.

(HUGS)

erika said...

IF can suck the life out of us so easily. I am glad you could let it out.
I am also happy to hear you guys had such a fun filled weekend and you could forget about everything else for a moment.

You are a beautiful girl, a beautiful person and you mostly deserve a beautiful ending to this. I am praying & hoping the lap is the charm you need to get that BFP soon! will be thinking of you.

2catdaughters said...

Katie, you ARE put together. You may not feel like it all the time, but you are an amazingly strong, tough woman (and I mean this in the best possible way). :) Good for you for breaking out the thongs and makeup to look your best!

Good luck with your two upcoming surgeries. Your NYC trip will be such a great thing to look forward to! ((hugs))

Basic Girl said...

I agree, it's sometimes so helpful to get all that negative stuff out!! And sounds like a fabulous weekend! Just think, soon you'll have 2 surgeries behind you and I just know things are going to start looking up my friend!!! Thinking of you!

Tina said...

A good cry is always cathartic. I am glad you had a good weekend - and you're in my thoughts as your surgeries approach!

The Domestic Princess said...

That had to feel amazaing. It's crazy what a little makeup and getting the hair done can do for us. =)