Tuesday, January 12, 2010

empty arms

There’s a natural order for life when it comes to being a woman. You get your period. You grow boobs. You graduate high school. (For me, those last two were reversed.) You go to college. You meet someone. You vow to spend the rest of your life with that someone. And then you have a child together.

What if you go through life never reaching that last step?

Will I still be bitter at baby showers? Will I still feel like an animal in a cage when women in a room begin discussing their baby’s poop habits, or their child’s temper tantrums, or the fact that they wish they could have just one moment of peace and quiet to themselves? Will I still cry every time I pass baby clothes in a store? Will I still avoid aisle #1 at Publix? Will the sight of a pregnant woman’s belly still make me want to scream, “WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH?” toward the sky?

What would my life be like in twenty years if we fail to have children? I will never fit into an adult conversation. It seems as though every discussion I sit through now has to do with having children, wanting to have children, or the many experiences you get when you have one of your own. I may never be able to relate to that. When the conversation now drifts off to the taste of different baby foods, I bring out my phone and pretend to be engrossed in a game. It's the only thing I can do to keep the tears from flowing.

I don’t know what pregnancy symptoms are like. I don’t know what it's like to crave pickles and chocolate. I don’t know the difference in breast cream. How to travel with a child. What the best way to get your baby to fall asleep is. How bad morning sickness can be. Which store has the best deal on maternity clothes. What car seat is the safest on the market. How amazing it feels to hear your child’s heart beat.

I have nothing to contribute. And it hurts.

23 comments:

Katie said...

Oh, Katie. Your post makes me sad and makes me want to drive all the way down to FLA and give you the biggest hug of your life and cry with you.

I wish I could say something to make you feel a little better.

Love you!

Bean stalk ballads said...

Oh Katie I can relate to this so much and I am sorry that it is so hard today,.. and every other day. We are here on the journey right alongside you. Hugs.

2catdaughters said...

Katie, I could have written this myself (if I were as eloquent and articulate as you). I, too, wonder what my life will be like if I remain childless. From where I stand right now, it looks pretty bleak. (((hugs)))

Jessica said...

I feel the same way...it sucks!!

Kelli-Sue said...

I am in tears. I want this for you so badly. Life is so unfair (you know that). I pray for you and Joey every night. I also added you (w.o your names to the prayer chain @ my church in Pine castle). I hope you find a new RE who is better then this one and will fill your arms and hearts with a bundle of joy. I know I don't personally know you but I feel like I do. :) You have inspired me and continued too. You deserve this so much! Youre such a wonderful person.

Jen said...

That makes me so sad. I hate that you are feeling that way. Try to think positively about all the changes you are making.

Rach said...

I have thought this myself. Once I got over the initial sadness, I think it would be cool for a little bit. Save money, buy unnecessary items, and travel.

But, what about when you are older? What if something happened to my spouse? My biggest fear is growing old alone. Sounds miserable.

JC said...

I'm sorry Katie! I worry about those things too. I feel so out of place right now and have no idea what it'll be like in 5-10-15 years from now. Is it just going to get worse? Ugh...idk. Thinking of you.

Jin said...

You so stole my post I had in my head for tomorrow. I was wondering the same thing this afternoon...

Leslie said...

I am so sorry that you are feeling down today. I have been there before and wish there was something I could do to help make it easier for you - will a cyber {{{hug}}} help? I will continue to hope & pray that our days will be here soon -- and that 2010 will be our year! Please know that you are not alone!!

AplusB said...

I know exactly how you feel. I feel so left out from so many conversations. It's so hard when you want SO badly to be part of the mommy club. Hang in there. You are definitely not alone.

Dawn said...

Katie, I'm so sorry that you are having a tough day! I pray that none of us will ever know what it is like to never have a child.

Big hugs!

Kelly said...

I don't have any answers but I ask myself those questions on a regular basis.

Nicole said...

Oh Katie, this makes me too so sad. I know I'm in a different place than you, but I'm not kidding this sounds like a repeat journal entry for me. Every part about it. I'm so sorry for all the pain and hurt and everything that IF brings.

Rebecca said...

Katie I'm just so sorry that today was such a tough day. I wonder about it, too. And, it makes me feel just so sad. (((hugs)))

nicolemarie said...

Oh hun. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way right now. I wish there was a way to fast forward time... I hope you can find some peace in the meantime. Big hugs from someone who knows the loneliness of an empty womb.

erika said...

Unfortunately, I can totally relate. I have never imagined something could hurt so bad like this struggle. However, DF has just reminded me that whatever comes, whatever we have to go through on this journey we always have to keep a positive outlook, so at the end we could really say we have done everything we could to succeed. It's just hard to find the energy sometimes to stay hopeful. I am sorry about the hard days, Katie. Much love your ways.

Astrid said...

You've really captured it. Especially the 'animal in a cage' part. That's exactly what it's like. As if IF weren't bad enough on a personal level, the social stigma and alienation are unbearable. And then as if that weren't enough - we don't get put out of our misery by someone reaching down and saying: no kids for you, it's over, move on with your lives, find different friends. We have to endure the waiting and wondering and uncertainty and we have to try to call it 'hope' and it's all so frustrating. Although, I'd rather have hope than not, I suppose. Hang in there.

Arlyne said...

tremendous (((HUGS))) Katie!!! Your thoughts mirror those of many of us. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time right now!

Basic Girl said...

Hi There, just started following your blog...and I couldn't agree more with this post. My best friend just had a baby, which is obviously all she wants to talk about...and it is the one thing I can't comment on. I feel useless around her. Ugh, it sucks and I totally feel for you!

ifcrossroads said...

Katie, I just wish I could take away all of your pain. I really, really do. It breaks my heart to read your words because I know what it feels like to be that desperate and hopeless for a child.

I wish for you and Joey to get more answers from your new RE. I wish for you to be able to have a LAP and get to the bottom of this hell. There ARE going to be options for you guys. I know it. And I pray that those options work, and quickly.

Willow said...

Even though as an adoptive mom I can now contribute on sleep training conversations, have an excuse to buy cute outfits at Babies R Us, and use way too much brain space on info about things like carseat and stroller brands, the pain you describe still hits me--when I see a pregnant woman or other moms' talk turns to breastfeeding or when I run across maternity clothes in the baby store. For me, adoption cured the fear of never being a parent and the huge hole in my heart that was left from years of TTC and one miscarriage, but I don't know that I'll ever be completely "normal" on this front, even if we successfully have a biological baby someday. I don't know if I'll ever be able to enjoy someone else's baby shower (my own welcoming showers for Baby Bonsai were the only ones I'd attended since we started trying--I skipped so many in the last few years) or be unreservedly happy at the news that a friend or relative who just started trying is already pregnant. It's incredibly hard and I'm so sorry you're on this journey too :(

rebecca said...

Wow, I feel I have asked so many of those same questions & continue to, all of the unknowns that go alone with infertility can be unbearable at times.