Yesterday afternoon, my "happy" streak broke a little and I started to feel panicky thinking about everything coming up in the next few months, much of it having to do with babies . . . other people's babies. Baby showers. Baptisms. Weddings with babies in them. Though I'm still in a very positive frame of mind, I'm anticipating a breakdown at some point. The anxiety started to hit yesterday and I don't want it to spiral out of control. So I called my new RE. They won't prescribe me anything for anxiety unless I talk to my GP first. I haven't seen my GP in years, but he knows my history with anxiety and was my doctor when I went through my breakdown at 17. He agreed to meet with me next Tuesday morning at 7 and write me something to help me get through the next few months.
Don't get the wrong idea. I'm not a pill popper. This is not normally how I like to deal with things. I was on medication for years and stopped taking it because I wanted to face things head on. Instead, I went to counseling and did yoga. But right now I don't have the time or the money to do those things. So instead I want something that will help me to not break down in tears in front of rooms full of people.
It's difficult for Joey to understand why I get panicky about baby showers and things like that. His philosophy is that I should just suck it up and deal. In his words, "It has nothing to do with us."
Why is it that men and women have different reactions to situations like this? Is it purely emotional for women? Is it because of jealousy? When I talked to my mom about it last night, the only way I knew how to describe what baby showers felt was this: It's would be like asking a friend to be your maid of honor at your wedding when she just got left at the altar. She doesn't want to plan your bridal shower and watch you open your gifts. She doesn't want to be the one who has to help you pick out your perfect dress, shoes, and accessories. She doesn't want to have to hear about how excellent your honeymoon was and how you feel "complete" now that you are a Mrs. She's happy for you, yes, but inside she hurts.
Despite the smile on my face, inside I hurt. I feel like the jilted bride. Like the girl who was left at the altar because she wasn't the kind of girl that someone wanted to marry. How do I put on a bridesmaid's dress not knowing if I will ever get to be the bride?