Wednesday, September 30, 2009

i almost forgot!

I meant to include this in my last post. I have no idea why I forgot.

So, question: Do you ever look at license plates when you're driving? I never do. I don't even read people's bumper stickers. I'm in the car for about three hours a day, and during that time I'm in my own little world (usually involving music).

Yesterday while stopped at a red light on my way home from work, I noticed something interesting about the license plate on the car in front of me. It said:

BFP 1026

So, here's my second question: Do you believe in signs?

working on a dream

I know you are all sitting on the edge of your seats wondering, "When is she going to post another blog about her uterus? I'm dying to know what's going on in there."

Congratulations! The wait is over. I will devote this entire post to my lady parts.

Did I mention lately that my RE appointment is just 12 days away?

I'm beyond excited. Yup, I'm excited about getting my vag probed some more, having needles stuck in me, and talking about sperm. We finally have all of our records/test results from my doctor in Nashville, and I finished filling out all of my new-patient paperwork last night. Joey still has his to fill out, which isn't as extensive.

Some things I hope I get out of this:

a LAP: To be honest, I'm hoping there is another cyst in there like I think there is. This will leave no excuses. I want them to go in there and see what's going on. No more guessing and waiting. If we're going to do this, I want to be all in.

a second SA: Joey's first SA was done in a very small, very disorganized lab. He actually gave his "sample" at home and we drove it in because the hospital was only 5 minutes from our house. We waited about 20 minutes for them to take the sample back, and who knows how long it took them to actually test it. So I would like another one: in the office, tested immediately.  I have a feeling my RE will want one anyway, just to be sure.

peace of mind: I want the doctor to tell me the odds. Yeah, I know I probably have endo and Joey's swimmers aren't 100%. But seriously, give me numbers. If it was supposed to happen naturally, IT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED BY NOW. So, what's the deal? I want the doc to give it to me straight--and be willing to do whatever it takes to get us our BFP.

I've always been a person that loves challenges (and somehow always has to face them regardless), so I should have known that we wouldn't get pregnant right away. I'm not going to lay down and take it. (Um, well . . . not figuratively speaking.) I'm going to fight this until the end. You know what I thought about today? I thought, "We could have an almost-eight-month-old baby right now if things had gone right." It's time for things to go right, for once in my LIFE. It's time for us to get this show on the road.

And I'm so ready to kick this challenge square in its infertility-loving ass.

Monday, September 28, 2009

blink-182

I'm completely exhausted from West Palm this weekend.

My husband's 32nd birthday was in May, and I got him tickets to see one of his favorite bands, Blink-182. We've been looking forward to the show for months. I'm happy to say that, overall, it was well worth the wait.

Asher Roth, All-American Rejects, and Fall Out Boy opened the show. I was pleasantly surprised with the first two performances. I hadn't heard of Asher Roth before the show (Joey had), but he was decent. He seemed to get the crowd going. I knew more All-American Rejects songs than I thought I would, and their lead singer (Tyson Ritter) was hilarious. He had some crazy cast on his leg and we weren't sure if he was serious about being in the hospital the day before, but it turns out he was. The Tampa show was last night and he performed that in a wheelchair. Now THAT is hardcore.

Fall Out Boy was . . . well, they were awful. I'm not a fan, and I never have been, but I thought they would at least put on a decent show. They were dull, at best. Other than Mr. Simpson, a.k.a. Pete Wentz, no other member of the band interacted with the crowd. Midway through the third or fourth song people started shouting, "We want Blink!" It was embarrassing.

And Blink. I love Blink. Listening to them play was like reliving my high school punk-rock years. They even played Family Reunion, and I'm pretty sure my husband wants a divorce now that he realizes I know all the words to that song. (Don't look up the lyrics if you are offended by extreme profanity.) Travis Barker's drum solo blew me away. You can watch it here. And no, I didn't take that video. I can only wish I will ever get that close to Travis Barker.

The only disappointing thing was the demographic of the crowd. I mean, how many 16-year-old girls and boys remember when Blink-182 was still together? Not a lot, I'm sure. If I had to do it again, I would have 1) bought tickets to the Tampa show and 2) bought closer seats. Being on the lawn with a bunch of teenage girls in their bras and underwear only made me think about what it would be like to raise a girl.

And in the words of Blink, I guess this is growing up.

Friday, September 25, 2009

let me tell you 'bout my best friend

She is amazing.

My best friend has been in a relationship for six years, but she and her boyfriend aren't married. They aren't thinking about/contemplating/wishing they had children. Yet she is one of the few people I know I can count on to be there for me on my journey. She listens to every word. She gets sad with me. She gets angry with me. She doesn't think I'm crazy. She doesn't tell me to relax or tell me when I'm being irrational, even though we both know that I sometimes can be. She drinks wine with me, laughs with me, and she hugs me and tells me everything is going to be okay. Aside from my husband and my mom, she's the best support I have "in person."

Tonight we went out to dinner, and as I drove home from dropping her back off at her house, I realized that THIS is why I moved back. It has nothing to do with money, or fertility insurance, or better doctors. Nights like tonight make me so thankful to have the support system that I have here at home. No matter how small it is, it will always be here.

This week has been a roller coaster, for reasons I can't even talk about. And it will continue next week. It always does. What does tomorrow bring? I don't know. But I know who will be around to help me through the next dip in the ride.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

letter to god

Dear God,

If you are listening, do you mind doing me a favor? Can you please please please be with my friend Kelly during her u/s today?

I know you and I have a strained relationship right now. We aren't really on the same page as far as Joey and me having a baby goes, and that's fine. Whatever, I can deal with that. But having a woman lose her third baby in six months is just too much to handle. It's not right. It's downright screwed up.

I don't ask you for a lot of things. (You should know.) I'm not sitting here praying to win the lottery. All I am asking for is that Kelly's baby has a chance to make it to this world.

Thanks.

Katie

Update: God must have listened, or I was screaming loud enough to hear. They heard a heartbeat! If everyone could please keep praying for Kelly and her baby, I would really appreciate it.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

there are some things I will never, ever understand.

Things are not looking good for my dear friend Kelly, who I posted about the other day.

It's times like these that make me wonder why things happen the way they do. It's times like these that make me so very disappointed in God. It sounds terrible, but I can't help it. No one should ever have to experience what Kelly is going through, especially someone who is so caring and who so badly wants to become a mother.

There are thousands of women who, each day, find out they are going to have a child. How many of them really sit back and appreciate this gift? How many of them plan on this gift? And how many of them have the love and support system in place to provide for their child for the rest of that child's life?

I'm so upset. I'm so angry. But most of all, I'm resigned. My parents were right. Growing up, when I argued about something petty and said it was unfair, they would say, "Life isn't fair."

Life ISN'T fair. And I will never understand it.

new leaf

I've decided I'm going to turn over a new leaf:

No more letting infertility run my life.

So what does this mean? This does not mean I can't be angry anymore. I can be angry, but I am going to try and channel that anger into better things. Like my running, for instance. Or my book. Yes, I'm writing a book. In fact, I'm halfway through the introduction. And as much as I would love to call it Shit You Shouldn't Say to Infertile People, I've decided I'm not going in that direction. More on this another time.

This does mean that I am going to have a more positive outlook on things. I am no longer going to sit around and get upset when people don't say what I want them to say or act how I want them to act. There are people in my life who are going to continue to ignore/not understand/not attempt to understand what we're going through, and that's fine. What they do is their prerogative. The people in my life who care about me the most will continue to support me, and I know that these are my TRUE friends and family.

Thank you to all who have continued reading, even through my crankiness. I promise you'll see a better Katie in the coming days.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

the color of the day is . . .

Today is a "code red" day. A day when my emotions are so out of control, I have no idea how I'll behave.

We decided to enact a terror-alert system. Joey came up with the idea last night, when we were walking around the outlet mall. We passed by Janie and Jack. You know, the insanely expensive, yet effing adorable children's clothing store that is virtually in every mall in the southeastern United States. Yes, that one. Joey pointed out an outfit on one of the little mannequins, and I gave him the death look. I wasn't in the mood. That's when the conversation began:

Joey: I never know what to make of you. Sometimes you're like this, but other times you want to go in and look at the clothes. You need to let me know what kind of mood you're in with this baby stuff.
Me: What, like the color-coded terror-alert system?
Joey: Sure.
Me: Do I need to tell you when I get up in the mornings?
Joey: No, just give it a couple of hours and then let me know how you feel. (long pause) So what color are you at today?
Me: Orange. Definitely orange.

Yesterday was orange. Today was red. The "I'm going to cry while sitting at the computer at my in-laws house and not turn around for a while so hopefully they don't notice my eyes are puffy" kind of red.

(Footnote: That was earlier. I am not currently crying at my in-laws' computer. Just in case you were wondering.)

Friday, September 18, 2009

are you out there?

If everyone could say a few prayers for my friend, Kelly, I would greatly appreciate it. There's a possibility that she could be going through her third miscarriage. The idea of it is simply devastating. I don't know what else to say except for I'm hoping and praying that she doesn't lose this baby.

Some happier updates: My buddy Tina is finally recovering from some nasty first trimester sickness. So glad to see you back in the blog world. :)

Also, two of my old TTC buddies are very, very close to their EDDs. Good luck to them as they get ready to welcome their baby girls into the world.

No new info to report from me. AF is still in town. Today is CD 6, so maybe she'll plan on leaving me alone sometime soon? Who knows. The countdown to my RE appointment is officially in the low 20s.

In non-TTC news: I'm going out tonight for dinner and drinks with an old friend I haven't seen since my wedding. Tomorrow I plan on watching college football all day, and I'm definitely looking forward to seeing Urban and the Gators destroy UT. Sunday = relaxation and time to catch up on my sleep. Next weekend Joey and I are headed to South Florida for a little getaway. I bought him tickets to see Blink-182 for his birthday back in May, and the show has finally arrived!

Monday, September 14, 2009

cycle #17

Here I am: cycle #17. Can I just say how I FEEL LIKE CRAP? I would give my left ovary to feel better right now. Ha! Get it?

That's my big fear with a LAP. I'm going to go in thinking, "It's just scar tissue and a cyst or two." And I'm going to come out with one ovary, because the left one looks like it's going to die at any moment. (Not that ovaries can really "die" per se.)

At least that's how the left one feels. I can only imagine what it looks like. Ick. I've Googled enough pictures of ovarian cysts in the last seven months. I think I'll pass.

Cycle #16 goes on record as my shortest cycle of all time. 25 days, 10 of which I bled.

Sucks to be me. Or, it sucks to be my husband. You pick.

Friday, September 11, 2009

where were you?

I thought I would take a little break from talking about ovaries and infertility to discuss the significance of today.

Today is September 11, 2009.

I was a junior in high school and I was in my second period class. I think it was called Integrated Math, or something like that, but all of us called it "stupid math." (And I can get away with saying that because I really was stupid at math.)

The teacher next door was notorious for letting the kids in his class goof off and watch TV. Just before 9 a.m., one of the students in that class came running over with the news: A plane had just hit one of the World Trade Center towers. My teacher stopped class immediately and turned on the news. A few minutes later, our principal came over the intercom:

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but a plane has hit the World Trade Center. Would everyone please turn on their televisions?"

We all watched in horror as the second plane hit, just before the bell rang for third period. Like many students, I had to walk over to the north campus for my next class. I don't think I've ever walked so fast in my entire life. There was an eerie feeling in the halls, and people were eager to get to their next class and the closest television.

By the time I arrived at my third period class (History), news had already broken about the Pentagon. We all hovered around the TV, some of us hugging, some of us crying. My teacher. I will never forget the look on her face. She was so upset. She told us all to use our cell phones or the classroom phone to call our families. The first person I called? Mom. She couldn't get a hold of her sister, whose husband often did business in both towers. Where was my uncle? We finally got in touch with him. He was at his office in Connecticut. His was at the World Trade Center just days before the attack. My dad was just outside of DC at the time, watching the smoke from the Pentagon. My dad's stepfather had just delivered seafood in Manhattan and was stuck in traffic in Brooklyn when the first plane hit. Too many people too close to the attacks.

Right around the time the first tower fell, our principal came back over the intercom. There was a bomb threat. As if the hysteria of the day wasn't enough, now this. Without any order, we ran out of the classroom and gathered with other students between the north and south campuses. We stayed on our cell phones, trying to get as many updates as possible from our parents. Still on the phone with my mom, I begged her to come pick me up, not because I was scared, but because I couldn't imagine going back to class and pretending like everything was okay. Everyone who had a car was now making their way to the parking lot to try and leave campus. Even though our house was about a ten minute drive from campus, it took my mom nearly 45 minutes to get to me. Traffic was insane as Universal Studios and Disney had both evacuated their parks and told their employees to go home.

The rest of the day was a blur. I remember my mom and me sitting in silence on the drive back home. I remember stopping along the way to pick up my little brother from school. He was just ten years old at the time. My mom explained later why she pulled us both out of school:

It wasn’t because she was scared for our safety. She didn't know what was happening, but she knew that, whatever it was, it was big. And she wanted us to watch.

So that's what we did. We went home and watched. The smartest thing my mom did that day was stick a tape in the VCR. She was watching the Today show when the news first broke, and she captured almost everything.

I don’t remember crying that day. I know I must have, but I just remember thinking, “This is history. This is to me what JFK’s assassination is to my mom, or what Pearl Harbor was to my grandparents. But this . . . this will forever change America. Nothing and no one will ever be the same after today.”

Eight years. Where were you eight years ago?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

1WW

Here we are in the one-week wait, and no symptoms to report. I had a few IPS a few days after when I should have ovulated (who knows if I actually did or not) and since then, nothing.

If this cycle is a bust (which I’m sure it will be; aren’t they all?), has anyone tried B6? I’ve been thinking about using that or Evening Primrose Oil, but I know you can’t take EPO after you ovulate. I’ve also thought about purchasing over-the-counter progesterone cream. I’m not sure any of these would make a big difference, but it wouldn’t hurt to try some cheap alternatives before our appointment with the RE.

Joey left last night for his grandpa's funeral. He and his cousin's husband drove up to Kentucky through the night on no sleep. I'm not sure how they made it, but they did. Joey flies back tomorrow night after the service. I wish I could have gone, but I still don't have PTO time at work and someone needed to stay behind to take care of my in-laws' house.


Update: Right after I posted this, I went to the restroom. Very very very light pink spotting. What the ?!?!?!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

sad news

I wish I had good news to report, but I don't.

As some of you know, Joey's grandpa had been having health problems for a while. He suffered a stroke earlier this year, and his Alzheimer's had become increasingly worse. They put him in a nursing home a couple of weeks ago, and he caught pneumonia earlier this week. He took a turn for the worse on Friday night, and passed away early yesterday morning.

If you could all offer up a few thoughts and prayers for Joey and his family, I would greatly appreciate it.

Friday, September 4, 2009

I cheated

I cheated. I cheated and I liked it.

On my diet, that is.

Yesterday was horrendous. Not only did I have Tijuana Flats for lunch, but I also drank soda (*gasp*) and ate pizza for dinner. Needless to say, my stomach gave me hell for it last night, and I now know that my body is used to my new, healthier eating habits after just two weeks.

I'll just say I was testing it. ;)

I'm either 2 or 3 DPO, and feeling insanely bloated. I have no idea why. It could mean another cyst. It could mean I've pissed off my uterus for some reason I'm not yet aware of. We don't communicate well, or often. The bloating doesn't feel like AF bloating (and it shouldn't, as I'm still at least another week away), but it feels tight. Almost like someone is stretching on my insides, especially on the left, hence why I mentioned the possibility of another cyst.

Oh well. As long as nothing explodes in there, I'm okay

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

40 days

Topic #1: The Duggars

It looks like crazy-ass Michelle Duggar is pregnant AGAIN. This will be baby #19, and their announcement comes just a little over a month before the birth of her son and daughter-in-law’s child. Her daughter-in-law probably wants to kill her, and for good reason.

Three things I think of when someone mentions Michelle Duggar:
1) Her vagina must be huge
2) I’m confident she has a mental illness
3) Does she realize this is the 2000s? She should have been born Catholic and in a much earlier century.

Topic #2: My cycle

Cycle #16 is hell. Cycles like this one make me wish I temped, or make me want to reach into my abdomen and rip out my lady parts. I’m going to guess that I haven’t, and won’t, ovulate this cycle. Another one bites the dust.

Topic #3: My diet

The caffeine part of my diet is going much better in week 2 than it did in week one. Can we say CRANKY?! But it’s been a trade off with the carbs/wheat: pasta for dinner last night, pasta for lunch today, and (you guessed it!) pasta for dinner tonight. Thankfully, Wednesday should be back to normal with a turkey sandwich for lunch and chicken for dinner.