Saturday, May 23, 2009

memories

One year ago today, I was sitting in a nail salon with my feet in a tub of warm water. My maid of honor sat on one side of me, and my sister-in-law sat on the other. It was just hours before my wedding rehearsal, and for the first time in days, I was finally getting a chance to relax. The typical Florida summer routine was in effect: afternoon thunderstorms. But I could have cared less about the rain. I didn't care that the humidity was making my hair extra frizzy or my face extra shiny. I was getting married in less than 24 hours. I was less than one day away from marrying the love of my life. The man who I had known since I was 16. The man who had swept me off my feet when I was 18. The man who was there with me and for me for so many big events in my life, and who would now be a part of every major event in my life from now until eternity.

The night before the wedding, I barely slept. All I wanted was for it to be 2 p.m. so it would be time to greet Joey at the altar. When it was finally time to get up, I took a shower and settled in front of the TV to play Guitar Hero before the girls and the makeup and hair people arrived. The morning seemed to drag on forever, and I could barely sit still. Once my hair and makeup were in place, all I could do to stay sane was keep making laps around the house. Making sure all of the girls liked their hair and makeup, and everything was okay with their dresses. Playing with my dog. Eating (I did a lot of this the morning of my wedding). Flipping channels between Bridezillas and Elizabethtown. When the photographer arrived, I was relieved to finally put on the dress and know that I was one step closer to walking out the door and arriving at the church.

The skies opened up around one, sending down buckets of rain and making my dog run for cover from the thunder. It poured the entire way to the church, and all I could do was smile and (attempt to) dance in the back of the limo.

Sitting in the back of the church was the worst. I was so close, and incredibly antsy. My bridesmaids stood around me fixing my dress, touching up my makeup, getting me water--anything they could do to keep me from looking at the time. Just before we headed down the aisle, someone started singing "Going to the Chapel". We were so loud and laughing so hard, the priest had to come in and tell us to be quiet. Apparently the entire congregation could here us.

And then it was time. One by one, the bridesmaids left until it was me, alone with my father. I don't remember exactly what he and I said to each other. It wasn't much. I remember having to ask the wedding coordinator not to open the doors. I needed to adjust my garter one last time to make sure it wasn't going to slip down my leg. Finally, the doors opened and, at the end of the aisle, there was my prince charming. My hero. The man I knew I would marry the moment I laid eyes on him.

One year ago yesterday is the day my life really began. Everything that happened this year--the infertility, the unemployment--none of that matters. What matters is that I'm with the one I love. I couldn't imagine myself going through any of this with anyone else. So tomorrow isn't a time to think about all of the struggles we've had during our first year of marriage. Tomorrow is a time to be thankful and feel so blessed that we have gone through those things. It sounds crazy, I know, but it's made us stronger. We've had so many obstacles to overcome in the six years we've been together, I am confident we can take on anything that crosses our path.

Joey, if you're reading this, I love you so much. You are my rock, my lover, my partner, and my friend. One year down, many MANY more to go. :)

cycle #13

The bitch is here, so it's on to cycle #13. The only thing that keeps me going is that we weren't going to try this cycle and the next cycle anyway, because a good friend of mine is getting married around the same time our due date would be. I don't want to be busting at the seams for her wedding.

Joey's interview went REALLY well yesterday. He had another one at 9 this morning, and he's still there. He should hear back from the first company next week about a second interview. And my phone interview yesterday went surprising well. I think I nailed it. They are having me fill out an editing test this weekend. I hope this is the turnaround we've been praying for. A few people have already given me names and recommendations of doctors in the area, and when the time comes, I'm ready to jump back in this. The wait is killing me. Every cycle that passes is time wasted.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

i see the light

Joey has two interviews in Florida on Friday, which means we will no longer get to spend our first anniversary together. I'm disappointed, of course, but so happy there's a small breakthrough in the search. It came at the perfect time, when we were so down and in need of a lift. I also have an interview on Friday, or a phone interview at least. The position is one I'm a little underqualified for, but we'll see. At this point, I just hope for the best--that I can sell myself well enough over the phone so they at least consider meeting with me in person.

In TTC world, it looks as if cycle #13 is on the horizon. Or should I say it FEELS that way. I've had cramps for three or four days, but no bleeding yet. Last night the pain was so bad, I though my left ovary was going to burst out of my skin. It makes me wonder if Boris is back.

And with just 4.5 working days left until vacation, my mind is in neutral. I'm surprised I've gotten anything accomplished this week at work. I imagine I'll be putting in a few more hours of overtime before I step on that plane to Florida next Thursday. :)

Monday, May 18, 2009

perky boobs!

Last week, one of the ladies at work held a Perky Bra Party. If you're sitting at home thinking, "What the hell is THAT?", don't worry. I did the same thing. Basically it's like a Pampered Chef party, but with bras instead of kitchen items. The bras were way too expensive and they made my boobs look smaller, so I didn't buy. I did drink plenty of wine and eat a lot of amazing food. It was a lot of fun, and it was nice to have some girl time.

Next week, Joey and I leave for Florida (again!) for vacation. I'm looking forward to some time away from the office and in the sun. We have a friend's wedding to attend in Homestead and my little brother is graduating from high school. It's hard for me to believe that my brother is going off to college. I can't imagine him in a dorm, hundreds of miles away from home, trying to cook, do laundry, and get up in time for school on his own (my mom STILL wakes him up every morning). Hopefully he doesn't burn down his dorm or accidentally throw a red shirt in with his whites.

And in just six short days, Joey and I will be celebrating one year of marriage. Time flies. Sometime this week, I'll need to post reflections on one year of marriage. But right now, I need to get something in my stomach. I'm starving!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

baby overload

Babies and pregnant women, everywhere I turn. Two babies last month, two more are due this month, and I've lost count of how many pregnancy announcements I've seen recently. 2009 is the year of babies. I'm ashamed to admit that it's gotten under my skin most days. I must have ten peoples' "News Feeds" blocked on Facebook so I don't need to read their daily pregnancy updates or see photos. This morning, my coworkers hung up photos of my boss's baby in her office window (she's not coming back from maternity leave for another month, but I imagine she'll be in to visit soon), so now I have to stare at the baby pictures allllllllll day.

I remember when Joey and I first got engaged, and I noticed anything and everything that related to weddings--especially engagement and wedding rings. So I'm wondering . . . is it just me, or when you are trying to get pregnant, do you instinctively notice more pregnant women and babies?

Sunday, May 10, 2009

happy mother's day

Today has been a little weird for me. In the back of my mind I think, "If everything had gone right, I would be a mother right now." But nothing ever goes as planned.

So, I wish all of the mothers and
expectant mothers out there a very Happy Mother's Day. Enjoy and appreciate your day and your children. I only hope that this time next year, I will be able to celebrate being a mother with you.

Friday, May 8, 2009

child of mine

I logged into Facebook today, and the first thing I see is a status update from a friend of mine who is 38 weeks pregnant:

So ready to be done being preggo.

It seems like not that long ago I was commenting on her very first ultrasound photos and congratulating her on her pregnancy. She replied with a nice thank-you message, saying it had taken her and her husband nearly a year and a half to conceive their baby girl. She said she was at the point of total frustration when they got their BFP, and she wouldn't take this pregnancy, or anything that comes with it, for granted.

But it seems that, somewhere along the way, everyone who has trouble getting pregnant forgets this promise. Soon after, they are bitching about morning sickness. Or how they "really wish" they could have just one drink. They are upset when their clothes don't fit anymore, or when they can no longer wear their wedding rings because their fingers are too swollen. They are secretly disappointed when the sex of the baby isn't what they wanted or predicted. And they promise "no more kids!" with every contraction. They tell childbirth horror stories to women who are pregnant with their first (or trying to conceive their first), and bitch about not getting any sleep. They send out mass e-mails to their family and friends--with week by week updates on their child--along with at least ten photos of their baby doing pretty much the same thing in each one. (Because really, how many different ways can a baby look or pose?)

It will take a lot of dedication, but when I am finally blessed with that moment--that moment when those two little lines appear on that stark-white stick--I am going to try my very hardest to enjoy and savor every moment of my pregnancy. From the morning sickness to the cankles, it will be a life-changing experience.

And I can't wait to have it.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

she's still pissed

I've now been spotting for NINE days.

They said I would spot a little after my HSG, but seriously, it's been almost a week since I had it done. Not to mention, that my "area" is still swollen and sore. (Sorry if TMI.) I really don't want to have to go back to the doctor if I don't have to. Seriously, how much more probing and prodding can my lady parts take?!

Joey and I took a little "getaway" trip to Atlanta over the weekend, which was fun. We did a lot of the touristy stuff--went to the zoo, ate at The Varsity, walked around Centennial Park, etc. We stayed right in the middle of downtown, and ended up at the same hotel where the Miami Heat, the Houston Astros, and some NBA announcers were staying. We finished out the weekend by getting cheap seats to game seven of the Hawks-Heat series. I'm a big Al Horford fan, so it was great to watch him play. And it was nice to not sit around at home all weekend. We've been doing that a lot lately, mostly because we don't have the money to do as much with just one income. But I think we need to make it a point to get out at least once a weekend, even if it's just to go see a movie.

Speaking of one income, I wish I had an update on Joey's unemployment, but I don't. My own job is driving me into the ground, so by the time I get home, I don't have the energy to write blog posts or do anything else besides lay on the couch and watch TV. Hence why I've been updating my blog at work.

Sigh. Better get back to it.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

all clear

My doctor finally called me with my HSG results.

All clear.

The dye pushed my left tube open, and there were no abnormalities in my uterus. She said my uterus is very tilted, but she said it won’t add any more difficulty to us getting pregnant than we are already going to have.

Next stop? Clomid.