Monday, December 14, 2009

tell me if you hear me falling

Sometimes I want to quit.

I'm not a quitter by nature. I'm a fighter. I've always been someone who works really hard toward a goal, and I have to say that I've achieved every serious goal I've put my mind to. But this goal, this elusive goal that I've desired so badly for the last 19 months, seems like it never gets any closer. Sometimes I ask myself, "What if I just stopped?" What would happen? I bet a lot of non-IFers would say, "Then you'll probably get pregnant, silly! That's always what happens when people stop trying."

But really, what would happen to me? I'm a different person now that I've started this. I think that even if I threw in the towel today, I would never be the same. My heart and my head are both in different places than they were before this journey started. I've grown up. I'm not interested in the same trivial things that used to amuse me.

They say marriage changes you, but I disagree. Hardship within your marriage changes you. Don't take this the wrong way. Joey and I are great. Our six-year relationship has grown to its strongest point in the last 19 months. He is the only person in my life who completely understands what it would feel like for us, as a couple, to never have children. We share the same hopes and the same fears. Neither of us have patience for immaturity and stupidity in our friendships. And both of us are doing everything we can to protect ourselves and work toward achieving the same goal: a child.

I made the mistake today of reading Stephanie Saul's latest column, and I made an even bigger mistake when I read the comments. It saddens me to hear how people still believe that having children through the use of ART is some kind of terrible "sin", how those of us seeking fertility treatments are going straight to hell, and how we just want a child to carry around like a token. Yes, that's exactly why I'm going THROUGH hell trying to have a child. Because I want a baby to dress up like a doll. If that's what I wanted, I'd buy a fucking Cabbage Patch Kid.

Sorry, back on track . . .

What would happen if I just stopped trying?

Sometimes I'm exhausted and I think I want to, but I don't know if it's in my blood to just stop. Part of me would always be looking in the rear-view mirror wondering if I made the right decision. Part of me would feel like I bigger failure if I didn't continue to try. Part of me would fight until I was so physically and mentally exhausted, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. There are times when I sit back and think about life without children. I've never wanted to imagine my life without kids, but every failed treatment brings this possibility closer and closer to reality.

But for now, I keep fighting.


JC said...

I hear you. Loud and clear. I wonder that myself sometimes. But I don't know if I could throw in the towel...I don't think I could do it. ((hugs))

Kelly said...

I know this is scary for so many reasons for you. I'm just glad that you have Joey and have such a keen awareness of your feelings.

If you ever get to the point where you decide you want to take a break, you'll still have all of us to support you. And, if you continue to fight on and try, we're all here 100%.

Bottom line? We all love you and are here for you, whatever you need.

Jin said...

Know how you feel. Ditto to what Kelly said.


Erin said...

Oh Katie, I feel like I could have written this post myself. Literally, word for word, you hit on exactly what I'm feeling. I always wonder what would happen if we just stopped trying, but it's not in me to stop right now.

Always here for you!

Katie said...

Good for you, for keeping up the fight! And F all those idiots who think that IF treatments are equal to sin. What the hell do they know? Obviously, not sh*t.


Al said...

Very well said and I have pondered the same things myself. I think we'll have to have an exit plan, just for my sanity if we're not successful in the next few months.

Hugs & here to support you keep fighting.

Bean stalk ballads said...

Katie when I picture us I picture the battlescarred soldiers walking back from the trenches. Thats what I picture, and I think it takes grit and determination to keep fighting when the chips are down.

IF Crossroads said...

There wasn't a day that I wanted to not quit. Every morning and every night when giving myself shots or getting blood drawn or probed 5 mornings in a row by the cooter cam, I just wanted to walk out and quit.

But you don't. You forge ahead. Because even though it seems it will never happen, you can't let go to that thread of hope that it *might* someday. And Stephanie Saul be dammed. And to all of the ignorant assholes who don't believe in IVF or other ART methods - truly, F-U.

Rebecca said...

So many ((Hugs)). I just sympathize so much with you. I wish this was easier. I wish it didn't take over our lives. I wish stupid, nasty idiots didn't say such idiotic things about things they know nothing about!!!

I can't tell you how much I hope you find what you need.

Elizabeth said...

Sorry you're feeling this way. I know it's probably tough to read my blog and see my ability to want to take a break, and think about how it would be for you. I'm going to write another blog today outlining my plan (if you even want to call it that) and it's going to be the hardest thing thus far.

I think you're strong, and I'm so glad you have Joey to be there when you can't. We're all here for you too!

Kelli-Sue said...

I think you should send a comment to whats her face. Why does it always have to be the people who think its a SIN? Why can't it be someone like you (and the rest of us who DONT think it is)? You are a fantastic writer and I think more people, esp the ignorant ones need to hear your POV esp this part:

"...Yes, that's exactly why I'm going THROUGH hell trying to have a child. Because I want a baby to dress up like a doll. If that's what I wanted, I'd buy a fucking Cabbage Patch kid."

Just a thought hon. I wish I had more insight but while I was reading this I was like why doesn't Katie send her a lovely comment too!! Chances are it would be published.


Nicole said...

I've felt this way before too- it's like you don't want to stop and give up but what's the point in continuing if you don't know how pushing forward will ever get you the result you want. It's a catch 22 in a way. Sometimes I think that is when a TTC break is needed. Not a quit, but a timeout of sorts.
Whatever you do, you have bloggy support. Your description of marriage and you & Joey sounds so familiar- like my DH and me. We have really 'outgrown' so many of our immature/lame friends, and have grown so much stronger together.

A said...

As much as I really do think God will bless us with pregnancy, sometimes when we are having a blast I try to save that moment in my brain for other times when I can't bear to imagine our lives without kids.

I definitely have had moments when I just want to give up. But I keep fighting just like you!!

bunny said...

I feel your pain. Nicely said. I hear that if the time comes when you need to stop, it actually feels right. Not GOOD, or anything... I hope you never get to that place, but I find the idea that one can somehow tell when it's time to quit comforting.

Nicole said...

Thanks so much for your sweet comment on my post today, Katie. I wasn't expecting anything from you on a post like that right now with all you're dealing with. It was a nice surprise :) You might be more resilient than you know.

Jen said...

You've come way too far to stop. The way I looked as it was when I started IUIs I started over. Yes, I had already tried for 14 cycles but there was a small chance it would work naturally or just on Clomid. So after 3 cycles it worked. All together it took 17 cycles but I tried to push that number out of my head. The third time was the charm for me and I hope it is for you too!

Infertile said...

Just wanted to say that I made that decision to stop trying this year and NO, I did not get pregnant. But, I did find renewed hope that my life has purpose with or without children.

I'm actually more involved with my nieces and nephews because I don't have little ones at home to care for. I'm able to be devoted to friends and family in a way my friends with babies can't offer right now. I actually have more compassion for my friends with babies, which is kind of funny.

Just remember that there's a difference between letting go and giving up..