Wednesday, December 9, 2009

still waiting

My nurse said something interesting to me yesterday. She said, "Ultimately, you are in charge of your fertility treatments."

Yes, I am. And I'm just starting to realize this. It seems as though REs just want us to write them a blank check for every treatment on the planet, but they are not concerned with 1) whether or not we think that treatment is working and 2) why the hell we can't get pregnant in the first place.

Seriously, why CAN'T we get pregnant?

I have eggs. I release eggs. My husband has sperm. Are they just not figuring it out up there and getting together? Are they getting together and then they can't implant in my crappy uterus?

Part of me wants to look in the mirror and tell myself to move on--that I'll never know the real reason why we haven't been getting pregnant. That's the tired part of me. The gut feeling part of me is telling me that something is wrong.

Of course, I don't know what that something is. But it's just a woman's intuition. I have no other way of explaining it.

I'm still waiting for the nurse to call. If I don't hear from them by 3:30, I'll be dialing their number.


Nicole said...

Oh no Katie, I just read about your beta and this. I'm sorry.
I've consulted with four different REs and have met both the kind you talk about, and the kind that doesn't care where you go for treatment or what you do as long as you get pregnant. If you aren't happy with your RE and have other options in town, switch. If you can't, then I hope your appt with YOUR dr goes well and you can express to him how unsatisfactory your care has been at his office (with not seeing him, etc.).
You ARE in charge of your fertility care. If you think something is wrong, pursue it. Demand tests and whatever else you need. I hope you "WTF" appt goes well and gets you the answers and direction you need.
And I hope the office calls you back soon!

Jen said...

I used to pressure my RE to find out WHY. I also wanted to know WHY. He said "it doesn't really matter why, it's all how you respond to the treatment". Umm...okay. I appreciate the fact that they just want to get us pregnant ASAP, as that only helps their numbers and ultimately their business, but a little insight would be helpful! I totally agree. Hang in there! Maybe if you keep on them they will see you aren't messing around and want some answers!

nicolemarie said...

It's all okay in the end; if it's not okay, it's not the end.

Hang in there. I'm sending bunches of hugs your way today!

Kelly said...

If you feel like something is wrong in your gut, you aren't wrong to be pressing the issue. I think you have every right to demand answers and not take their lackadaisical attitude.

I'm adding my two cents too (FWIW, of course)...I don't like the comment the nurse made. Yes, you are ultimately "in charge". However, you can't do it alone, which is why you are there. You shouldn't be feeling like you're simply writing checks. You're asking for their help because you're trying to take charge of your treatments, you just need help doing so.

Kelli-Sue said...

Hey Katie. I have read how unhappy you are there. I was talking to my mom & a good friend of hers had un-explained infertility & her RE got her pregnant twice (she has and 8yr & a 5 yr so I am sure hes still practicing), here in Orl. would you like me to ask her who hers is? If not I understand. I just thought I would pass the info along.

Good luck!!

Katie said...

Katie, I think you are exactly right to want to know WHY. And you need a doctor who understands that. I hope they've called you back by now, or that you've followded through on your promise and called them back.

And I don't blame you one bit for wanting to follow your "gut." It's probably just as correct as any scientific tests, if not more.


Nixy said...

Reading your post is like a chapter in our lives! It sounds a lot like what have we been going through and I completely feel your pain. Hang in there!

Erin said...

Katie, I really hope they called you back today. And I really hope you get the answers you need. Though, I allegedly have an answer (endo), but that's cleared up for now, I ovulated, my husband has good sperm, and it's still not working. Infertility is LAME.