I know I haven't written about my ovaries in a while, but when I meant we were doing a natural cycle, I really meant we were doing a natural cycle. No OPKs, no temping, no obsessing over signs/symptoms. I'm currently on CD 18 and, as far as I can tell, I have not and will not ovulate. Part of me is blasé about this, and part of me thinks this serves as yet another reminder that this is my fault. My ovaries have not and will not work like they are supposed to, and there is literally no explanation for this. What do you do? This is the hand I've been dealt. Unfortunately for me, I have no clue how to play this twisted version of poker. "I'll see you one ovary and raise you a uterus."
Inspired by my Blogger buddy, Jin, I've created at Day Zero list. I've optimistically put on there "Have a baby" and my goal is to try and think this into being during 2010. I can't guarantee that I will be a positive Patty every step of the way, but my plan is to try and take this one step at a time without freaking out too much. Basically, my new year's resolution is to chill the eff out. Obviously my heart and soul will still be poured into trying to have a baby. The emotions are still there and there is nothing I can do to control them or to ease the pain of the hole that remains in my heart. But I'm hoping that, with the help of my husband, I will be able to channel my energy into fighting IF rather than feeling defeated by it.
Despite the awesome feeling of a med-free cycle though, I look forward to getting back onto the IUI/medication bandwagon. Why? It's the control freak in me. I don't like not knowing when I'm ovulating, if I am even ovulating at all. Taking the medication isn't the most exciting experience, but it gives me a sense of power over my body, which appears to have none of it's own. Everything in me says the Femara will be better than the Clomid, and I'm sticking to that. If it's not, then we move onto something else. My plan is to exhaust every option possible, to the point where my RE can look me in the eye and say with 100% certainty, "You will not have a baby without IVF or adoption."
I will become a mother, one way or another. This is my motto.