Monday, December 28, 2009

new year's motto

I know I haven't written about my ovaries in a while, but when I meant we were doing a natural cycle, I really meant we were doing a natural cycle. No OPKs, no temping, no obsessing over signs/symptoms. I'm currently on CD 18 and, as far as I can tell, I have not and will not ovulate. Part of me is blasé about this, and part of me thinks this serves as yet another reminder that this is my fault. My ovaries have not and will not work like they are supposed to, and there is literally no explanation for this. What do you do? This is the hand I've been dealt. Unfortunately for me, I have no clue how to play this twisted version of poker. "I'll see you one ovary and raise you a uterus."

Inspired by my Blogger buddy, Jin, I've created at Day Zero list. I've optimistically put on there "Have a baby" and my goal is to try and think this into being during 2010. I can't guarantee that I will be a positive Patty every step of the way, but my plan is to try and take this one step at a time without freaking out too much. Basically, my new year's resolution is to chill the eff out. Obviously my heart and soul will still be poured into trying to have a baby. The emotions are still there and there is nothing I can do to control them or to ease the pain of the hole that remains in my heart. But I'm hoping that, with the help of my husband, I will be able to channel my energy into fighting IF rather than feeling defeated by it.

Despite the awesome feeling of a med-free cycle though, I look forward to getting back onto the IUI/medication bandwagon. Why? It's the control freak in me. I don't like not knowing when I'm ovulating, if I am even ovulating at all. Taking the medication isn't the most exciting experience, but it gives me a sense of power over my body, which appears to have none of it's own. Everything in me says the Femara will be better than the Clomid, and I'm sticking to that. If it's not, then we move onto something else. My plan is to exhaust every option possible, to the point where my RE can look me in the eye and say with 100% certainty, "You will not have a baby without IVF or adoption."

I will become a mother, one way or another. This is my motto.

11 comments:

A said...

Love the new attitude :) I sure hope babies will be incorporated into many of our lives in 2010!!!

Jen said...

I think you are being too hard on your poor ovaries! You had a really good response to the Clomid; better than a lot of people! Hopefully the Femara will be even better for you!

Stefanie Blakely said...

Twisted version of poker-- it really feels like that, doesn't it?

I'm with you-- I HAVE to know. My RE told me that I don't need to temp anymore and that we'll rely solely on OPKs for the first few medicated cycles to determine if I'm ovulating, yet I couldn't put the thermometer down.

Here's hoping all of your dreams come true in 2010!!

Erin said...

I am right there with you, Katie. I am vowing to make 2010 a positive year. We will become mommies together!

Bean stalk ballads said...

Hey Katie.. I hope your new years resolution goes well for you.

Kelly said...

What a great motto/attitude/outlook. Fighting IF is better than feeling defeated by it. I admire you for that. You ovaries could also be freaking out themselves this cycle...you're
"clean" and they're "clean" and they might not know what to do. :)

Don't be hard on yourself. No matter what the issue is (if there is one), you responded well to the Clomid and I'm sure you will do the same with the Femara.

(((HUGS)))

Astrid said...

That is a good motto. It should give you lots of comfort. It will happen. One way or another, just try to enjoy the ride in the meantime. And best of luck with your very natural cycle. Stranger things have happened...

Dawn said...

Great attitude! I hope you have a very lucky 2010!

The Ashes said...

Ooo Im doing that project! I wonder if I can put it on that super awesome website after Ive already started...

Alice said...

You and your body are not a failure! Life is just unfair. I like your goals and think the positive thinking goes a long way..even if it doesn't result in a baby, it makes day to day life a little better. And, even though it's painful to be "in the dark" during a natural cycle, it is doing you some good. I know it. 2010 is the year!

Katie said...

Great plan for the new year! LOVE the list....except for that one about "not eating at Moe's for a month." DON'T DO IT! Moe's is tooooo fantastic! :-)