Monday, October 19, 2009

i'm terrified

I'm not nervous about the IUI (okay, maybe a little). I'm not anxious or excited.

I'm terrified. I'm a worrier by nature, so this . . . this worries me.

I am flat out, 100%, scared shitless.

On one hand, this could work. This could be the end of the road in trying to conceive our first child. We could get this on the first shot, and I would be beyond thrilled. I'm more than a little nervous about the risk of multiples, though I know my RE will keep a good eye on things for me, but other than that, it would be such a relief to have this over and done with.

On the other hand, this could be just the beginning. How far into this do we want to get? For my husband, it's financially. For me, it's emotionally. I'm so emotionally vested in having a child. It's what I've always known I've wanted. What really pushes me over the edge most days is knowing that it's my fault. I'M the one that can't get pregnant, not Joey. I'M the one who can't fall asleep at night without thinking about how I'm going to deny my husband children because my uterus is a giant failure.

If this doesn't work, I am a giant failure.

When I was little, I dreamed of growing up, getting married, and having a big family. What will happen if part of that dream dies? Some days I think, "I could do childfree living. It could be fun. We could travel, see the world, and spend our time enjoying each other's company." But when I look deep inside my heart, I know that a part of me would always be missing. I might be happy someday, but a piece of my heart will always be dead and lifeless.

6 comments:

ifcrossroads said...

Oh Katie, I'm so sorry. On August 5th we had our first (unsuccessful) IUI and I felt the EXACT same emotions you are describing below. I even wrote this long blubbering letter to DH about the experience and how "monumental" this day was, blah,blah,blah ...
so I get IT. Totally. This IS a big deal. It IS a big day. This CAN work.

It also COULD be the beginning of a long road. That is just something noone can know right now.
You cannot blame yourself. You will get through this. We'll be right here to hold your hand.

Big (hugs)

Kelly said...

Katie, M gave you such good advice that I'm not even sure what to say. I know that's it's difficult but try, try, try to not let yourself think all those what-if thoughts. Eveything you said could be true (the good or the bad) and there are many women that go on to IUIs or even IVF and, if they decide to try for a 2nd child, have no difficulty at all.

Try to just take one day at a time. Please take it from me that I know it's not easy and I'm not trying to make light of things. I just don't want you to drive yourself crazy. You're right. It's a BIG deal. You'll get through it and we're all here for you.

(((HUGS)))

JC said...

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I feel like a huge failure too and feel like if I can't do this, if I can't have a baby and be a Mom what the hell am I even here for!

Kelly said...

Ladies, please don't feel like failures. Try not to blame yourselves.You can only truly fail at something if you did something willingly to prevent it from happening. On top of all the TTC stress, try not to place that weight on your shoulders. (((HUGS))))

Katie said...

OK....

1. You are NOT a failure, no matter what.

2. See #1.

3. Really, sister. See #1 one more time.

In all seriousness, I know how nervous and scared you must be, but you will get through this! Oh, and go ahead and see #1 again. :-) ((((giant hugs))))

i_c_thru_u said...

I know exactly what you mean about the whole living a childless life thing. We're both late night people and sometimes when we're sitting there eating Chinese take out and watching a movie at 1am, I have that thought "We couldn't do this if we had kids right now." But deep down I know I want a baby....