I'm not nervous about the IUI (okay, maybe a little). I'm not anxious or excited.
I'm terrified. I'm a worrier by nature, so this . . . this worries me.
I am flat out, 100%, scared shitless.
On one hand, this could work. This could be the end of the road in trying to conceive our first child. We could get this on the first shot, and I would be beyond thrilled. I'm more than a little nervous about the risk of multiples, though I know my RE will keep a good eye on things for me, but other than that, it would be such a relief to have this over and done with.
On the other hand, this could be just the beginning. How far into this do we want to get? For my husband, it's financially. For me, it's emotionally. I'm so emotionally vested in having a child. It's what I've always known I've wanted. What really pushes me over the edge most days is knowing that it's my fault. I'M the one that can't get pregnant, not Joey. I'M the one who can't fall asleep at night without thinking about how I'm going to deny my husband children because my uterus is a giant failure.
If this doesn't work, I am a giant failure.
When I was little, I dreamed of growing up, getting married, and having a big family. What will happen if part of that dream dies? Some days I think, "I could do childfree living. It could be fun. We could travel, see the world, and spend our time enjoying each other's company." But when I look deep inside my heart, I know that a part of me would always be missing. I might be happy someday, but a piece of my heart will always be dead and lifeless.