Sunday, July 26, 2009

playing catch up

I'm going to my first infertility support group in a couple of weeks, on August 11. Part of me is really looking forward to it, and another part of me is nervous because I'm not quite sure what to expect. The idea of being completely vulnerable to a group of strangers freaks me out a little, so I may or may not speak. (I know, I'm completely vulnerable on this blog--but we're not face to face!) Joey is going to try and go with me, but it will all depend on his work schedule. There's a good chance I'll be going by myself since my mom is out of town that week and my best friend, the only other person I would consider bringing, is out of town for the summer. Hopefully it will be a positive experience and not an awkward one.

And Joey is going back to school two nights a week. Have I mentioned this on here already? He's only a few classes away from getting his AA, so we figured now is the time to do it. He is really excited about it, and I am really happy for/proud of him. It will take some time and work, but I know he'll get it done.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


Does the pain every go away? Or does it stay with you? I feel the pain, but I can't cry about it anymore. I'm so totally numb and no one in real life understands. There's no one here to look me in the eyes and say, "I get it. I know your pain."

That's all I want. I don't want someone to rationalize or pep talk me. I don't want the logic or the criticisms.

I just want someone to get it. To get that, most days, I feel like I'm never going to have a baby. Ever.

cycle #15

15. What an odd number. I can’t say a year and a half. It doesn’t feel right to say “a little over a year”, because there is nothing little about it. I feel like that mom who refers to her child in months instead of years. Only I’m not the mother with that child. I’m the motherless woman.

15 months also marks the amount of time my husband and I have been married. I find it slightly amusing that the larger this number grows, the more often people ask me the “k” question.

“When are you having kids?”

At first, I hesitated answering this question. What do I say? Should I lie? But lately, I have been taking the “brutal honesty” approach. I don’t go into a lengthy discussion or explanation. There is no bitterness or tears. I just . . . well, say it!

“I’m infertile.”

Of course, some people do ask questions. (Others get uncomfortable. Is it wrong that I get a certain amount of enjoyment watching these people squirm? Frankly, it is no one’s business when a couple is having kids. You got what you deserved by asking that question.)

The questions don’t bother me. What do bother me are the judging and the comments. Take an interest in my life, that’s fine. But there is no need to inject your opinion on the situation. Just because your husband looked at you funny and BAM! you were pregnant, doesn’t mean you are an expert on the subject.

It all goes back to education. I wish the public was truly aware of what infertility means and how many people it effects. I didn’t choose to be infertile. Infertility chose me.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


Why is it un-cool to talk about being infertile? Why are people embarrassed to admit that they struggle with fertility issues?

More importantly, why do people react to that word like you are telling them you’re dying? Or you have some strange disease?

We need some serious infertility education in this country.