Wednesday, December 31, 2008

see you never, 2008

It's been one hell of a year--so many things I want to remember, and a few I want to forget. Here's to hoping 2009 will be an amazing year. I think there will be a few surprises in store.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

goals for 2009

I'm not one for making any New Year's resolutions. If I tell myself I need to exercise more, the likelihood of that actually happening is slim to none. However, I do like to set goals for myself. I always see a list of goals as different from a resolution I make at midnight, often times after having five glasses of champagne.

Last night, while trying to fall asleep, I thought of a few goals I have for the next year. Some of these are individual goals, and some are goals I have with Joey:

1. Get pregnant (A carryover from 2008. We'll begin to find out if this is even possible on February 3.)
2. Become a homeowner
3. Buy new living room furniture (This may not seem like a big deal to some people, but it is to me. This couch is the most uncomfortable thing I've ever had the privilege of owning.)
4. Take a vacation that doesn't involve visiting family
5. Get promoted to Assistant Editor (This one has a subgoal: Acquire my first book.)
6. Finish my novel

Those are the six I can think of off the top of my head. I'm sure this is a list I will be adding to, and updating, later.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

hello, cycle #8

Cycle #7 has left me. So sad.

And look how perfect my chart looked.

Monday, December 15, 2008

numb

numb
Function: adjective
Definition: devoid of sensation;
devoid of emotion; indifferent
That's me. That's what TTC has made me.

Another BFN.
One more cycle to get this done naturally.

At least I didn't get my hopes up this time.

Friday, December 12, 2008

am i ovulating?

Sometimes I think the last two cycles (cycle 6 and this cycle, cycle 7) I haven't been ovulating. I think this because: My temps have become somewhat weird and unpredictable.

I used to ovulate LIKE CLOCKWORK on CD 14. Last cycle, Fertility Friend couldn't predict my O date. This cycle, it says CD17, but I'm not convinced. Usually I can sense the change in my body. Does that make sense? But I haven't felt that way the past two cycles. Maybe I'm crazy, or maybe it's just a woman's intuition. I guess that's something for my doctor to determine in February.

In any case, if I did O on CD17, I am now officially 7 DPO. Why do I feel like I've been stuck on cycle #7 for FOREVER?

Off the TTC subject, we got our first "heavy" snow last night. Driving in it was maddening since Southerners don't know how to drive in any form of winter weather. But I loved it. We live just south of the city, and ended up getting the most snowfall. And by "heavy" snowfall, I mean 3 inches. But it was beautiful and I didn't want to come to work. It melted by noon, but it's keeping my hopes alive for a white Christmas in Music City.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

lots of happenings

I am in desperate need of an update. Here's a rundown of what's been going on the past few days:

1. The Gators won the SEC Championship! Woo hoo! They are also headed for their second BCS Championship in two years. It's great to be a Florida Gator. I'm still in search of tickets to the big show in Miami.

2. I got a really nice raise and year-end bonus, which was a miracle considering the way the economy is right now. So many publishing companies have already gone through layoffs, hiring freezes, and acquisition freezes. Our company is pretty much the only one in our industry making money. I realize how lucky I am compared to a lot of people out there.

3. Joey met Faith Hill at work today. That's not really an update, but just something I had to throw out there for fun.

Hopefully I'm not missing out on any other big events. Still plugging along in the 2WW, but I don't have a great feeling about this cycle. Ugh. I will have to compose a more deep and meaningful post later. I just don't have time right now.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

orange and blue

My temp FINALLY rose, meaning I O'ed. Thank God. I think I would have thrown out my thermometer this morning if my temp didn't rise about 98.

Kind of funny thing happened when I went to take my temp this morning though. I woke up and as I'm taking out my BBT from the nightstand, I'm thinking to myself, "Please just let my temp rise. I know I've ovulated and I can't take this anymore!" So I stick the BBT in my mouth and I'm looking at it while the temp is rising. It starts at 34 then slowly keeps rising to 35. What the hell! My mind starts racing and I start getting upset, thinking, "Great! Either my temp is that low, and I'm dying, or my BBT is broken, and I'm not going to have a good reading. What a waste!" Then it hit on me. I must have pressed the button again by accident after I turned on the BBT and the setting switched to Celsius. I couldn't help but laugh. I felt like such an idiot. Obviously I switched the setting back to Fahrenheit and retook my temp. Pretty funny morning!

At any rate, this means I'm *officially* on my 2WW. I've told myself I'm not going obsess over IPS this cycle, but we'll see how long that lasts. But really, there's nothing left to do but wait. Will cycle #7 be my last for nine more months? We'll see! I certainly hope.

Luckily, there's a big event today to take my mind off of TTC: The SEC Championship Game. The Gators versus the Crimson Tide. I'm so excited and antsy. It'll be a great game and I really hope Florida can pull it out. I was at the SEC Championship game two years ago when we won and then ended up winning the National Championship game, and I wish I could be there again today. Hopefully a win over Bama is enough to send us to Miami for the National Title again.

It's great to be a Florida Gator!

Friday, December 5, 2008

is it safe to scream?

According to my temps, I still haven't ovulated.

WHAT THE EFFFFFFFFFFF?!?!?!?

My temp DROPPED again this morning. Still no positive OPK. My cervix is hardly open anymore. I am so over this. What happened?! I used to ovulate so regularly. CD14 and it was over. Now it's like my body is trying to torture me each cycle. Am I even ovulating anymore? Who the hell knows?! My mind is tired. My body is tired. I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment. This isn't fun anymore.

I am not fun anymore.

Monday, December 1, 2008

insanity

Using OPKs has taken my obsession with TTC to a whole new level. I SWEAR I'm ovulating today, but I can't get a freakin positive OPK to save my life. When will the madness end? How far will I take this "adventure"? How healthy is it to live, think, and breathe TTC? Don't answer that.

Somedays I think I'm one short fuse away from having a total and completely irrational mental breakdown.

Now excuse me while I go pad the walls.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

let it snow

Tonight will be the first snow of the year here in Nashville. I'm making Philly cheesesteaks in the crock pot. Perfect cold weather food. I put the tree up today and did a little bit of Christmas shopping. Now I'm parked in front of the T.V. in my pajamas, waiting to hear if our office will be closed tomorrow due to weather. Fingers crossed! It would be nice to work from home and get some stuff done around the house.

Charlie left yesterday. I think he had a good time and it was nice to have a visitor. As much as we like living here and having our independence, it's hard being so far from family and friends--especially around the holidays. Thankfully, my mom and brother will be here for Christmas. I'm looking forward to it.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

happy turkey day!

I probably won't have a chance to post again until Saturday or Sunday, so I'll say Happy Thanksgiving now! Charlie is flying in this afternoon and I need to go home and get started on the apple pie and the stuffing. Lots to do. We did our last minute shopping trip last night and Joey was SO cranky. Hopefully he's in a better mood when Charlie gets here. We are going downtown tonight and I will be drinking since I'm not ovulating until next week. Woo hoo! :)

On a side note, Joey has now spent the last four Sundays with Joe Blanton and his wife. I guess they've been coming in to his store for the cooking classes. I'm so jealous of my husband. He meets the best people at work.

Monday, November 24, 2008

okay, i lied

I wasn't THAT excited about AF getting here, mostly because now she won't LEAVE. I'm usually spotting by now, but I'm still bleeding steadily. What a pain!

My mind is going in a million different directions today. I'm supposed to be working on minutes from this morning's meeting, and I can't focus. This isn't good. I only have a day and a half to get all this crap off my desk before Thanksgiving. Our friend Charlie will be in town from Wednesday to Saturday, so there's no way I'll get work done if I need to take it home over the holidays. Not with a house guest.

Sigh. Time to get motivated.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

i love lazy sundays

Joey works today, so I will be spending the day in my pajamas, parked in front of the television. I will not work on anything pertaining to my job. I might even read a book for FUN. Imagine that. My brain (and body) need time to reenergize for what I'm sure will be a crazy Thanksgiving week at work. I am so far behind on everything I need to do before the two-and-a-half days off, it's unbelievable. But I'm not thinking about that. . . . :)

Yesterday Joey and I went out and bought ovulation predictor kits to use this cycle, a recommendation from my doctor. We also bought flaxseed oil, which I've read is supposed to help with fertility issues. We tried to buy PreConceive, but couldn't find any. Joey said yesterday, "If we're in, then we're in all the way." I think both of us are willing to try anything to get pregnant naturally, at this point.

Speaking of my husband, tomorrow will be six months since we tied the knot. I can't believe it. It feels like a week ago when I said, "I do." The two best words I've ever spoken.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

woo hoo! :)

I don't think I've ever been so excited to say this: My period has finally arrived. Hooray! After 31 longggggggggg days, this cycle is over. It's time to move on. "Aunt Flow" has been a tease all week, toying with my emotions, making me think I'm pregnant. Now it's finally over and we are on cycle #7. If anything, it's just one cycle closer to my ultrasound, more blood work, and Joey's SA.

This is how I feel every cycle, but I really hope #7 is OURS. It would be really nice to tell our family at Christmas. What a great gift that would be!

Cycle #7 will bring on some new experiments. We are both going to start taking some extra vitamin supplements, on top of the vitamins we are already taking. My doctor also wants us to try ovulation predictor kits. And, I think we are going to try PreConceive. I've heard good things about it and PreSeed, so I figured, "Why not?" At this point, we have nothing left to lose but our sanity.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

good-bye, cycle #6

Well, my temps dropped this morning and I'm spotting--signs of my period's impending arrival. So I'll say bye to cycle #6 and hello to what I hope will be lucky cycle #7.

Time to get ready for work.

Monday, November 17, 2008

frustrated

So, my period is officially late but I haven't gotten a positive home pregnancy test. Ugh. My back is killing me and my abdomen is so bloated, yet it doesn't feel like my period is on its way and I don't "feel" pregnant. Not that I know what being pregnant feels like, but still. I just want to know one way or the other.

I guess I will just keep testing until something (anything!) happens. Fun! Thank God for Dollar Store tests. . . .

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

welcome!

Wow, a blog. Let's hope I stick with this one. I had one in high school and college, then got rid of it. I tried to resurrect it during my wedding planning days, but that was a bust. Truthfully, when you're planning a wedding, you don't have as much time to write about it as you'd think.

Well, here I am. I thought I would start a blog after Joey and I got pregnant so people could read about our pregnancy adventures--since most of of our friends and family live so far away. And six months/cycles later, still no baby.


We've always known we wanted to have kids as soon as possible, so we began trying right after the wedding. We thought things would happen right away, but they didn't. Month 1 went by. Then 2. Then 3. Now we are at month 6, about to hit month 7 this weekend if my home pregnancy test reads right. Months 3 and 4 were the worst. In August, I'm pretty sure I had a chemical pregnancy. By September, I was completely depressed. Now, I'm simply level. I don't cry anymore when I get my period or get negatives on pregnancy tests. My goal now is to just take it as it comes. It doesn't mean I don't think about it, but I don't let it run my life anymore. Regardless, it's still there and it's still an obstacle we've yet to overcome.

Two weeks ago was my first doctor's appointment regarding my fertility with my general practitioner. I didn't go to my OB/GYN. I had only seen her once and I wasn't thrilled. She worked in a women's clinic (a.k.a. "baby factory") and she spent the majority of the time trying to convince me to get the HPV vaccine. Ummmm, hello? I'm married, therefore I don't have the risk of contracting an STD. Ugh. How annoying. Not to mention that she looked like she was my age. I don't want an old lady, but I certainly want someone with experience. But I digress.

My GP was fabulous. She didn't make me feel like an idiot for coming in during cycle #6. She sat and listened to my concerns and reviewed my blood work and previous medical records: no abnormal paps, no endo, no history of anything that would prevent me from being pregnant. She recommending I keep charting and also asked me to start using ovulation predictor kits, even though she said our "timing" looked great. Most importantly, she said she would not make me wait a year or year and a half to begin testing and/or refer me to an RE. She said if I'm not pregnant by the end of January, we'll get to work trying to solve whatever the issue is. She understands. It took her two and a half years to get pregnant with her first child, and no doctor would see her until 18 months. She said to me as I was leaving, "I don't want you to go through the same things I did to get help."

I feel really grateful right now to have her, my husband, and a few close friends on my side. There aren't many people we feel comfortable talking to about this, especially not family. Not only do we not want the criticism, but we don't want the pressure. It's been hard on both of us. We have a lot of fears. As I said before, we thought, "If we want a baby, we'll have one!" But it turns out things don't work that way.

I think I've written enough randomness for one night.